last day of kindergarten

It seems only yesterday that we dropped him off for his first day of big boy school. And today is the last day. Next year starts full days, no lunches with Mom, and two trips on the big yellow cheese. He seems ready, but am I?

six

after months of counting down

the prestigious sixth birthday

is just around the bend

he's so excited

and i'm wondering

just where the time has gone

some days so big

yet still glimpses of the little boy

i rocked to sleep at night

i pray those little windows

of joyful bonding

are always there

even when he towers over me

and oh, he will

(doesn't everyone?)

in the middle of the everyday

i wonder and pray for the end

for a time when the quiet will win out

but on days like today

rainy and introspective

on the cusp of another milestone

i know that one day soon

i will long for the noise

for the spontaneous kisses

for the crashing of trucks

for the sounds of batman fighting robin

for the requests to watch video clips

for the mischievous-ness that is my son today

for the song dedications

for the notes on dry erase boards

for the reading of books

for the intimacy of sharing every day together

there will be a day

when i want nothing more than this

and that day is not far away....

now that's me...

i have this picture
it's cut from the newspaper
a comic strip really
by a local guy

it's a guy and his mom
sitting facing each other
and both of them
are saying the same thing

i can see you and
i can hear you
yet i cannot comprehend
anything that you say or do

that pretty much sums up
the way things are with
my daughter these days

it would be easier
i think
if she was just spiteful
all the time

but instead
glimpses of that sweet girl
peek through
when i least expect it

and i mourn the loss
of my little girl
again

i remember being
12
it wasn't all that fun
and it was hard

and i'm sure
i took it out on my mom
because she couldn't possibly
know how i was feeling

and now that's me
the one who doesn't know
who can't understand
yet i do

and it's also me
that is supposed to
encourage yet discourage
guide yet allow independence
be open yet closed
set rules yet compromise

and pray

pray hard.

monkey preschool

for years now
i have waited
for those elusive minutes
to myself

today
dropping off one kid
and then another
the anticipation built up

the list of things
i could do
went on and on
but instead i went home

to an empty house

and almost lost it

how many times
in the past few years
have i looked around
and dreamed of this day?

ashamed to admit
that it was lots
and usually the requests
were more like begging prayers

so yes
i was able to breathe
a little easier today
in the silence of a few hours

but it sure was lonely

and all i really wanted to know
was when they could come out
and play again...

kindergarten

This morning, Little Man made the journey that children have been making for generation after generation. He started kindergarten. It went well. I didn't cry or anything (then) but now it is sinking in... I told Handsome that as long as I look at it as just kindergarten, I am fine. But when I think about kindergarten leading to first grade and then second grade and so on, I crumble. One day at a time, one day at a time... The world is a mean place sometimes and I just wish I could shelter him from it forever. I keep reminding myself that he is God's first and therefore God will be with him (and me) today. By the way, he's the one waving in the picture below. :)

Dear Little Man,

I just can't believe you are starting kindergarten today. I am so sad but at the same time I am so happy for you. I'm sorry that the days of Mommy and Ryan, Mommy and Ryan are coming to a close. I know that you will meet many new friends and learn all kinds of neat stuff. You are so ready to be there and broaden your horizons. I just miss that precious little face here at home, as I sit here, watching the hands of the clock make their slow travel around and around. Two and a half times around and I get to see you again! I can make it!

Always try your best, little man. Be the boy that God means for you to be and you'll be just fine. Daddy and I love you very much. We are very proud of you.

Love,
Mommy

tball

finally
the trees give way
to green
and with spring
comes tball

last spring
came the declaration
that baseball was to be played
sign me up

too little
was a concept
that confused him
being king of his world and all

next year
i promised
when is next year
he asked

this is spring
then comes hot summer
then the leaves fall off the trees
then it snows

then
finally
it is spring
and you can play

with every season
that came and went
it was compared to
the baseball master schedule

closer and closer it came
and he got more and more excited
i just can't believe
my little baby is old enough to play

the leaves started peeking out
and he asked me if it was spring
i told him almost
knowing he was really talking about baseball

then the day came
and it was really cold
but he didn't complain
not even a little bit

it was a family event
dad, mom, Baby Girl
we all came to see Little Man
practice for the first time

every time the ball flew through the air
he bounced in place
wondering if he could (PLEASE)
be the one to get the ball

reminded me of a puppy
all that was missing
was the panting
and the drooling

and maybe there was even that

concert

watching you
watching her
brought back memories
of being a tween

although in those days
there was no such thing
as a tween
thirteen was the magic number

running to your seat
because, come on mom
she's singing
and we have to see her

i remembered the urgency
to be a part of something bigger
to connect with celebrity
being taken away with music

you screamed your little head off
through the retainer
showing your love
for someone unknown

i caught a glimpse
of who you really are
an opening in the recent
tightly shut door

there were tears on your face
when you realized the line
was far too long
the opportunity suspended

it broke my heart
to see the unabashed yearning
to want to meet
the untouchable

then you wiped your tears
and the little girl disappeared
as you reassured me
that it was okay

but i would not be deterred
fueled by my own tween-hood
intimately knowing
that irrational desire

excuse me sir
please
her ticket is her birthday present
sorry no can do

the indignant look you gave
when another family
was added to the line
led me to try one more time

excuse me sir
this time to the man
who put the last family
in line

please
she's here for her birthday
please sir
isn't there something you can do?

it all happened quickly
she was leaving
he reached out for her elbow
and directed her our way

quickly an autograph
and hi sweetheart
and a kiss on the head
then she was gone

leaving you behind
bawling
baffled i asked what was wrong
i couldn't understand your reply

repeating yourself
you told me
i got to meet her mom
to actually meet her

and for one brief moment
the worlds aligned
and two tweens
got their wish tonight

she did
and so did i

6th grade

today
when you stretched
as you were waking
the body
that used to be swallowed
in that twin bed
reached from one end
to the other

you sat up
and said
is it time to get up?
is it time for 8th grade?
i mean, 6th grade?

i know you are growing
but i almost fainted
at the prospect of
8th grade
it put 6th grade
in prospective for me

you packed your own bag
fixed your own breakfast
and you picked out
your own clothes (twice)

most surprisingly
you combed your own hair
and put it in a bun

i remember fixing your hair
most mornings
of last year

when you carried your blankie
and your stuffed animal
down to the kitchen
i wondered if you would
find some secret spot
in your bookbag
and want to take them along
but they stayed home
with me today

they sit here beside me
a reminder of the things
you are leaving behind

*******************

stay strong in Jesus
my 6th grader
this year more than ever

remember to guard your heart
and earnestly seek His will

soak yourself in His Word
and not in the words of others

you are never alone
me and Jesus
we got ya covered

most of all, always know
that no matter how old you get
you'll always be
my baby girl

gone

exhausted
i sit here
watching her

she writes while
listening to her cd
over and over

humming unknown words
saying random sentences
about music
only she is hearing

forcing the tears back
i wonder
what all will change
this summer

something inside
tells me
it will be different
this time

i can almost see
the changes
before they even happen

maybe because
she is such a mix
of child and
teen

my heart breaks
knowing that when
she walks out that door
tomorrow

90 nights will pass

and my little girl
will be gone

***********

oh jesus
take her into your arms
hold her tightly
guide her
protect her
keep her as your own

help me be calm
knowing you are there
where i want to be
desperately
but you will never leave her

protect the bond we share
bring her home safe to me

amen.

4

it's late
the party is over
lots of toys
and playing way past bedtime

happy birthday
my son
i can't believe
you are 4 already

thank you for
the three kisses
at breakfast today
because you used to be three

and thank you for
the four kisses
a moment later
because now you are four

thank you for
teaching me
to take the joy
from each day

thank you for
your unconditional love
and for saying
"i like you, mommy"

today
we celebrated you
and the wonders you teach us

happy birthday

end of three

this is the eve
of my son's 4th birthday
and my mind is full
of the lasts

reminds me of the book
karen kingsbury
wrote called
let me hold you longer

every time i read it
i cry

our world is so focused
on a baby's firsts
but the lasts slip by
without fanfare

how do you know
if it will be the last time
you change their diaper
or fix a bottle

kids change every day
transitions can be quick

i'm continually amazed
that God blessed me
with boys in my life
especially my son

i love my daughter
with all my heart
she has her own niche
there deep inside me

but it is my son
who brings me to my knees

it's a tangled web
woven in my mind
sorting out how to be a mom
to a boy

daily he offers me
the grace
that only God and kids
seem to understand

then i feel the healing
and know it is okay

three is my favorite age
more independent
and suddenly
a sense of humor

i know that four is fun
but each year
brings us closer to
starting school

i treasured my time today
feeling the days slipping by

this was my last three
no more for me
and that saddens me
somehow

tomorrow will be
celebrations and fun
cars movie cake
and presents

but tonight
i savor three's lasts

and give a piece of my heart
to that big boy

decisions, decisions...

Is it possible that it's been over two weeks since I posted? I guess so. I kept trying to post but the things that were going on were difficult to process for me, and while I usually can write my way through things, I just couldn't this time. Rereading that makes it sound like somebody died or something! Thank goodness, it wasn't that bad!

Like I've said before, I've been working two days a week at the bank where I've been employed for years. I was full time until a few years ago when we were blessed enough for me to stay home with the kids. I've enjoyed being back a few days a week. It's been like having the best of both worlds. I get to spend time with my son (and the little boy I've watched since he was teeny tiny who feels like my own) and I get to stimulate my brain with big people conversations.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, they approached me at the bank to offer me a full time job. It was really, really tempting. My brain spent the better part of a weekend working overtime. What was best for the kids? What was best for me? What was best for our family? Would the job be too stressful? Would I be overwhelmed? I know that it is such a luxury for me to even be able to consider these questions. I've been in the situation in the past where there was not a chance to question this stuff - I just had to work. Somehow, that made it even more difficult for me.

In the end, I was leaning towards accepting the position but the child care issue couldn't be resolved to my satisfaction until school was out. They couldn't wait that long to fill the position. So, I am taking that as my sign that God has other plans for me, plans that include being with my son for now. It's amazing how many cute things he did on "Decision Weekend" that made me wonder why I was even considering it at all. Little things that I normally take for granted. Little things that won't stay little for much longer.

I don't think I've ever told my husband how much I appreciate his willingness to support our family. I don't know that he understands how much it means to me to be able to see that little face in the morning and know I have all day to soak it in. Or that I am able to be here when my daughter arrives home from school - to hear the non-stop chatter of the first time she got to sit next to her boyfriend and all the other earth-shattering news of fifth grade. Thank you, dear husband, for letting me be the mom God intended me to be. You have blessed me more than you know.

weekend in review

First things, first. What in the world am I still doing up at 12:51 AM? I do not know! All I know is that I will be one bleary-eyed woman tomorrow. I hope I don't put the Cars movie DVD in the toaster, thinking it's the cinnamon waffle. Or worse, the cinnamon waffle in the DVD player.

ANYWAY, here is my weekend in review snippets...

GOOD MORNING, ANDREA!
Bright and early on Saturday morning, the phone rang. I climbed through my unconsciousness and jumped up to feel for the phone. I really can't see for the first five minutes I'm awake. And I just wanted to noise to stop, seeing as how the 3 year old in our house is normally the Saturday alarm clock. By jolly, he was still asleep and it was daylight and all. Stopping the noise so he stayed asleep was imperative. But I digress...

Guess who was on the phone?! You'll never guess! My cousin, J, that's deployed in Iraq! And no, his name isn't J, as in Jay - I'm just protecting the innocent (and not-so-innocent) here. He sounded so, well, grown up and so, I don't know, responsible. In my mind, he's still this little 8 year old monkey boy. He said he was tired but that they had been given 3 days R & R. He had access to a computer and satellite phone so he was making the best of it. Did you know Iraq is 8 hours ahead of us? I was barely putting my feet on the floor for the day and he was headed to evening "chow". He told me where he was in Iraq and all I can say is pray, people, pray. He said he's seen more mud than sand. I told him to enjoy it because by the time this is over, he'll probably never look at sand the same again. He also shared some stories of his time there, and it just hit me that he is in so much danger. I mean, I knew that already but it just started to sink in. A phone call was wonderful because for that brief moment in time, you know that he's safe. You know just where he is, and he's alive, well, and safe. Tonight, who knows where he is. I just continually pray that the good Lord holds J in the palm of His hand. What else can I do, ya know? So, I'll be getting a little package together for him in the next few days. If anyone knows of things that would be good to send, please comment and let me know. I've seen the list on the military website but any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks!

NO DOG LEFT BEHIND
Saturday late morning/early afternoon, we spent at my mom's house. She had quite a bit of tree damage from the recent ice storms. My husband got to use a power tool (even if it was only electric), I got to play on my mom's blog, and little man got to play outside. So, once all the tree limbs were cut up, we carried them to the curb to be taken away by the shrub/tree limb fairies tomorrow. As little man helped me collect some limbs from the back yard, the neighbor's dog was going nuts. He asked me why the dog was barking so much. I said he was curious about what we were doing. So, we take a load to the curb and come back to the back yard. Bless his little heart if he didn't go right to the edge of the yard and yell at the top of his lungs,

"WE'RE AT GRANDMA ______'S AND WE'RE PICKING UP STICKS SO WE DON'T TRIP ON THEM!"

When he first started yelling, I swung around to see what in the world he was doing. Then, I asked,

"Were you talking to the dog?"

"Yes." (Like we tell dogs our going-ons all the time; no big deal, Mom. Very inclusive, my son.)

FICKLE FRIENDS
For a few months now, my son has had an imaginary friend. This friend morphs to fit the situation. He's been a mommy (yes, HE has been a mommy), he's worked at daddy's work, he's been big, he's been little, he's slept on every piece of furniture we own. Oh, by the way, his name is Husey (WHO-see). Well, it was, until today. Husey is gone. We now have Coolpeak-a. There was talk that Husey changed his name to Coolpeak-a and is now a girl. But that would mean my son's friend is a gender changing 3 year old who is brillant because at 3 he works at an office. So, I'm thinking maybe this is a NEW friend. I'd like to request prayer for Coolpeak-a though. She's in the hospital with a refection. Which is funny, because our pastor is in the hospital with an infection too. By the way, pray for our pastor please. She is a double transplant recipient and small infections, like the sinus one she had, sometimes take off and wreak havoc on her body. She should be okay but still...

WEDDING BELLS ARE RINGING
If you remember (or if you don't), I did a post when my brother-in-law got engaged. My whole immediate family is in the wedding. Today, the bridesmaids, the mothers of the bride and groom, and the bride's aunt went wedding dress and bridesmaid dress shopping. She found THE dress, ya'll. (Yeah, I said ya'll.) And it was a good deal. The wedding angels were watching over us today. Now, if we could just get the bridesmaid dresses to come in extra long, we'd be set. And since when did bridesmaid dresses cost as much as the wedding dress?! $165! I was blown out of the water. Well, no decisions yet on that. But what a relief to have the most important dress picked out, paid for, and in hand! :)

Now it is 1:27 AM and I am truly crazy for still being awake. But I had to get this down while it was fresh in my mind and while two little boys, who shall, as always, remain nameless were not making me lose my ever-lasting mind! But, come to think of it, I think it's already gone. On that note, good night everyone. Take care of yourself and each other.

newborn

i don't know if i've mentioned this before (i probably have but my memory is SHOT right now), but i'm watching a 2 month old little girl on fridays. today was day #2. here are a few totally random recollections...

input for baby - finishing the bottle to go straight to...
output struggle for 3 yr old. - i'm going to lose my mind if he doesn't poop soon!

at one time today, i had 2 out of 3 crying at same time - not bad - maybe a mom of the year award?

i did not like to change poopy diapers, did it anyway = you do not like to nap, do it anyway. five minutes later, out cold. after two.hours.of.trying, reasoning works! can you believe it?

new baby's mom sends breast milk in little baggies that say "my mommy's milk". they are frozen. i defrost and warm it, put it in a bottle and feed her. i don't know what it is about it but if it spills a little and touches my hand, i gag. every.time. i feel so bad about that! what's the big deal? i have no idea.

watching this child rooting for more milk when i take the bottle to burp her makes me laugh. there ain't nothing there for you, sweetie. and watching her root for my 10 yr old daughter was just awkward!

stinky, hungry mess - that's me. i can't decide whether to shower or eat. if you know me at all, you realize how messed up i am by that statement. eat. always eat. so if i want a shower, something must be desperately wrong. i actually thought about what i could eat on my way to the shower. like the shower is more than a handful of steps away. like i'd have time to eat anything on the way. why am i going on and on about this? oh, what a day i've had...it's such a sad state of affairs that it all comes down to this.

***update***shower first. belly now full. and praise the good Lord, the boy finally pooped! thank you very much for asking.

mom? mom who?

joy in their faces
fills my soul

noise and
constant need
fills my head
and makes it hurt

finding the balance
during a busy time
is something
i am horrible at doing

all of a sudden
it is just too much

if i had a dime
for every "Mom"
i heard today
i'd be out shopping
right now

i should be grateful
for these blessings
i should be thankful
i can hear them

but after a long
holiday week

i'm just plain tired

Just a note: I did have a wonderful Christmas with my family. I will post again soon. I promise. If I can just get this monkey (that is my son) off of me!! :)

super secret club

My father-in-law is being visited by the same frog in his throat as my son. Unfortunately, it has taken his voice. He's a college professor so this has to be hard for him. All that's left is a bit of a whisper. And he is using that sparingly to save what is there for class.

I guess I should preface the rest of the story by telling you that my son and his grandpa are good buddies. They love to spend time together. They are the absolute cutest when they are piled on the floor playing. I don't know who has a better time. They both have a blast.

So, yesterday, my son got a chance to spend time with his grandpa. My son was exhausted from a long day and not what you would say easy to get along with. Bless my father-in-law's silent heart because he took on the little man. They crawled around on the floor and played. The greatest part was when my son would hear his grandpa say something. He would get real quiet so he could hear the whisper. And then, much to our amusement, he would whisper back. The entire conversation was held in whispers. I have no idea what they said to each other. Maybe they are going to take over the world. You know, it wouldn't be bad if everyone whispered in this world. The only child in me would be really happy about that. Anyway, it was so sweet to see those two. I mean, it always is but this time my heart just melted.

Maybe I'll start my own club...the Melted Heart Club. Seems whenever my kids aren't driving me up a wall, they are melting my heart. Wanna join? :)

momtime getaway

I went to the MomTime Getaway with Lisa Whelchel this past weekend. I've been wanting to post about it ever since I got back but I just couldn't find the right words. I mean, I anticipated having a good time. I went with two friends that I just adore. I got to have a little "me" time. What was there not to like? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Actually, Lisa blew me away.

Unfortunately, I guess I stereotyped her a bit based on her character Blair from "The Facts of Life". I have read a few of her books and I know she says she is nothing like Blair. But I watched her faithfully as Blair for a long time and I really didn't like Blair. But let me tell you, Lisa is no Blair. She is the most humble, down-to-earth, on fire for Christ mom you have ever met. I was continually amazed.

I was so glad that God saw it fit for me to be at this conference. I was disappointed that it went so fast. Lisa was one of those people that just radiates the love of Christ. You crave their presence because you know God is there. Does that make sense? I told you I was having a hard time finding the words. She gave very applicable examples of demonstrating the grace and mercy of Jesus when you discipline. But she did so in a way that said she was just in the trenches of motherhood beside us. Not uppity at all.

But I guess my most surprising revelation about Lisa was her preaching. She could bring it! And, like my friend said, she didn't water it down at all. She acknowledged Satan wanting to take hold of all the good in our lives and she shot him down with Scripture. She gave concrete examples of the grace of Jesus Christ. She was full of prayer for us, for our kids, for the world. I felt very blessed to be prayed for by Lisa. She got to the heart of it and I felt changed. I felt empowered. I felt closer to God. And I felt relief that I don't have to be perfect. Only in my imperfection, can God work His perfection. What a blessing that is.

So even with these few paragraphs, I am still at a loss for words to say exactly how touching this conference was. I didn't expect any life-changing, soul-wretching feelings to come from this weekend. I think it's when we least expect it that God rains the grace down on us.

Oh, and I'm green with envy at the ladies that get to hear Lisa's encouragement all the time in her MomTime group. I know a few of them are in this bloggy community because I stumbled upon them through Lisa's site. I guess I'll just gather my encouragement from the other Godly ladies that I've found on the world wide web. There are many great ones out there. But, if you ever get the chance to hear Lisa speak, RUN there. It will bless you greatly.

just one more...

okay...just one more post today
mainly because i want to record
this very moment
for the future
when my hands are thrown in the air
because i don't understand his teenage brain

sitting side by side
in the recliner
eating goldfish
out of the blue
he says to me
"you know sumting.."
"what, bud?"
"you know...i love you"

melt my heart
this is why
it's awesome to be a mommy

sweet chicago

this week is the annual conference
for the company i do sales for
that bases itself just outside of
my favorite city in the world
(although my "world" is
extremely limited in terms
of the extent of my life travels)

and i couldn't go this year
for one reason or another
and i am so sad about that

i loved being around others
who loved the products
as much as me
no need to worry about
getting teased for being
excited about anything
in the catalog

i also felt kind of daring
out on the "wild" streets of Chicago
navigating my way around

and then there is the blue water
i walked blocks upon blocks
last year
to reach the navy pier
and tired as i was
it was so worth it

so here are a few pictures
of what i would be seeing this week
how nice to enjoy this
mini-vacation with you

ahh, sweet chicago

glimpses of character

getting ready for a meeting
last night
blowing dry my hair
and my little boy says
something to me

a bit annoyed to stop
while in a hurry to get ready
i turn off the blow dryer and
ask him to repeat what he said

mommy, you look good

awww...melt my heart

tonight at church
received ashes on our foreheads
all but the little guy
and boy, was he confused

he spent a lot of the service
analyzing everyone's forehead
later at home he asks
mommy, you head okay?

yeah, it's okay i tell him

and think to myself
...most of the time...