October 25, 2007


"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." - Psalm 139:13-16

I don't know if my roommate from college reads my blog. We usually catch up on our cell phones on drives home from work. Just yesterday, we talked about what she would name baby #3 (actually #2, but #1 is just like one of her own anyway). Then this afternoon, I got a text message that her blood work from Monday came in. The baby has tested positive for spina bifida. It is highly likely that this is a false positive. But they have to wait until Tuesday to get an ultrasound for further investigation. Talk about being on pins and needles!

Sitting here, I yearn to be near her. She lives so far away from me - and in times like this, it feels even farther. Whenever we visit each other, we spend hours dreaming of living next door to each other. Even in the same neighborhood would be good enough. I can remember worrying so fiercely about who my roommate would be. As I ventured from home for that first time, would I be stuck with someone I couldn't stand? Would we be able to teach each other how to use our newly found wings?

It turns out that my worries were unfounded. She grew up in a small town so different than my large city. But we were very much the same. We made many memories back then. She's one of those precious friends where days and months could pass but the very next time you talk, you feel as if no time at all has passed. I often wonder why we aren't in touch more often but it only takes a conversation with her little one or a tug on the leg from my son to know that life is so busy. We are in the middle of the days that will shape our families and our responsibilities are so many right now.

But the truth of our friendship remains. She's hurting right now. And so, I am too.

October 23, 2007

tears in the rain

in the darkness
falling asleep
to the rain coming down
and waking again
to the dawn
with the blanket of rain
still surrounding

today the sun
is hiding
as the once green leaves
blow and fall to the ground

the rain
makes the scene

guest speaker
at church
she spoke of
many things

but the one thing
that stands out to me
what do you say
when time is running out
how do you put
all that you want to say
in few words

she was referring to paul
nearing the end of his time on earth
in his second letter to timothy
trying to impart wisdom
lasting last words

but i
i only saw my father
ten years ago
a few days after the diagnosis
as he grappled with his life
with all that he had done
and not done

the image of his face
filled my head
there on that church pew

i saw him as
the light streamed in
from the window
he looked at the ceiling
in that hospital room
and told me
of his material things
of the things I would get

and the anger shot through me
as i imagined
that time was running out
the unknown was upon us
and the words would be few

maybe it was this anger
that caused me
to speak my mind
in a way that i never had before

i said
and he never really wanted me
to call him dad
but i always did anyway
dad it never was about the things
it was about you being there for me

and in the unspoken response
it was clear that he hadn't been
nor had he been able

and on that day
the day after my 21st birthday
as i realized i might lose
something i never had

the tears came down his face
for the first time
in my memory

time was running out
and there were no words
only tears

today the rain comes down
and i see his tears

even now

October 15, 2007

can i use the phone?

Can someone please tell me the appeal of the telephone to an eleven year old girl? I'm just sayin'...

If she asks to use the phone one more time (three separate times in the last ten minutes!), I think I might just yank all the wires out of the wall and throw the phone in the front yard. And you tell me this gets worse? I just don't remember this about my tween/teen years at all. Anyone with any suggestions?

No answer to the latest friend she tried to call. As she walks away, she grumbled.

"Man, no one to talk to at ALL."

I replied, "I'm right here."

"Oh." (As if it never even crossed her mind - and it probably didn't.)

And that's when we spend thirty minutes discussing the politics of sixth grade girls. Whew. Lucky me. :)

October 7, 2007


watching you
watching her
brought back memories
of being a tween

although in those days
there was no such thing
as a tween
thirteen was the magic number

running to your seat
because, come on mom
she's singing
and we have to see her

i remembered the urgency
to be a part of something bigger
to connect with celebrity
being taken away with music

you screamed your little head off
through the retainer
showing your love
for someone unknown

i caught a glimpse
of who you really are
an opening in the recent
tightly shut door

there were tears on your face
when you realized the line
was far too long
the opportunity suspended

it broke my heart
to see the unabashed yearning
to want to meet
the untouchable

then you wiped your tears
and the little girl disappeared
as you reassured me
that it was okay

but i would not be deterred
fueled by my own tween-hood
intimately knowing
that irrational desire

excuse me sir
her ticket is her birthday present
sorry no can do

the indignant look you gave
when another family
was added to the line
led me to try one more time

excuse me sir
this time to the man
who put the last family
in line

she's here for her birthday
please sir
isn't there something you can do?

it all happened quickly
she was leaving
he reached out for her elbow
and directed her our way

quickly an autograph
and hi sweetheart
and a kiss on the head
then she was gone

leaving you behind
baffled i asked what was wrong
i couldn't understand your reply

repeating yourself
you told me
i got to meet her mom
to actually meet her

and for one brief moment
the worlds aligned
and two tweens
got their wish tonight

she did
and so did i

October 2, 2007

memory lane

With all this wedding stuff going on, I got to thinking about when Handsome and I got married. I've been meaning to dig out our wedding album and look at it. Last night, I got around to it and took a few moments to look through all the pictures. As I did, I was amazed at how much we have changed, individually and as a couple. It really hasn't been that long but it seemed so long ago that I wore that pretty dress. I had the strangest urge to see behind those eyes and get into my head. To see it all over again. I also wanted to reach out my hand and reassure those people in the pictures. All the hard times would come and go and it would still be okay. Sometimes when I'm in the middle of a trying time, I think back to a time past when things were pretty rocky. I realize that I made it through then, and I can make it through again. I also like to see how God put out his steadying hand to help me or carry me through those times. Because He is always there. From everlasting to everlasting.

I make it sound like our wedding was the beginning of troubled times. This isn't the case at all. It's just that adjustment time when you truly do blend into one. It's a matter of give and take, ups and downs, and sometimes around and around again. And seeing those pictures reminded me of all we've worked through. But you know what? I wouldn't trade it for the world. It makes me who I am today, and who Handsome and I are as a couple. And I don't think I've ever loved him more.

October 1, 2007

prayers requested

Six years ago, we moved to this school district. We didn't know anyone. The first person that Baby Girl met was a girl who is still among her closest friends. A couple of weeks ago, this girl's dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. He's only 41. Last Monday, he had surgery to remove the tumor. In the process of the surgery, they took some tests. I learned today that the cancer showed up in two of his lymph nodes. He will be scheduled for 12 chemotherapy treatments over six months. This is a long road. To top it off, his wife lost her job a few months back and he was only working part time. Thank the good Lord, they have health insurance right now through COBRA. But could you imagine?

This has really shaken me because my father died of rectal cancer that had metastasized. And this is the first person among our peers to have to deal with something like that. I am really at a loss as to what to say to them, although I have told the wife I will do whatever she needs me to do. I look at the kids' faces (they also have a girl in kindergarten) and want to love the worry right off of them.

Bev at Scratchin' the Surface posted about getting a colonoscopy and I encourage you to read the post. It isn't as bad as I thought it was. Because of my family history, I'm going to talk to my doctor about this. After our friend's diagnosis so young, I want to cover my bases. Do this for your family - it's totally worth it.

And, friend, we are praying for you. Good luck. I like best what Bev said in an email to me (and I'm paraphrasing here) - God is bigger than any diagnosis.

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