October 23, 2007

tears in the rain

in the darkness
falling asleep
to the rain coming down
and waking again
to the dawn
with the blanket of rain
still surrounding

today the sun
is hiding
as the once green leaves
blow and fall to the ground

the rain
makes the scene

guest speaker
at church
she spoke of
many things

but the one thing
that stands out to me
what do you say
when time is running out
how do you put
all that you want to say
in few words

she was referring to paul
nearing the end of his time on earth
in his second letter to timothy
trying to impart wisdom
lasting last words

but i
i only saw my father
ten years ago
a few days after the diagnosis
as he grappled with his life
with all that he had done
and not done

the image of his face
filled my head
there on that church pew

i saw him as
the light streamed in
from the window
he looked at the ceiling
in that hospital room
and told me
of his material things
of the things I would get

and the anger shot through me
as i imagined
that time was running out
the unknown was upon us
and the words would be few

maybe it was this anger
that caused me
to speak my mind
in a way that i never had before

i said
and he never really wanted me
to call him dad
but i always did anyway
dad it never was about the things
it was about you being there for me

and in the unspoken response
it was clear that he hadn't been
nor had he been able

and on that day
the day after my 21st birthday
as i realized i might lose
something i never had

the tears came down his face
for the first time
in my memory

time was running out
and there were no words
only tears

today the rain comes down
and i see his tears

even now

3 rays through the fog:

Darlene said...

My heart is heavy.
My eyes are full.
I feel you pain.
I knew his river

God and his hagels
are always with us.

God Bless Darling

Darlene said...

hagels - what the heck is that?

It should be angels......

Judith said...

My heart aches for the emptiness that was never filled in yours.

For years I longed for a closeness with my Dad, but it was not important to him. Sometimes I'd feel neglected, or unwanted, or just plain hurt, and mad about it.

But after wrestling with all of that for years, it finally came down to accepting that that is how it was and because of that, other people came into my life, and circumstances and situations with them made me what I am. My father gave me a bloodline, and not much more than that. but God took care of the rest.

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