looking passed today

sick monkey
sick lion

wash my hands
wash my hands

monkey has a cold
lion has strep throat

lion not sleeping at night
so neither am i
he seems better today
i'd feel better too
if i slept until noon
but the day calls for me
way before then

my chick a dee comes back
tomorrow night
summer blast festival
in the neighborhood
just her type of event
hope it isn't overcrowded

parade on saturday
and a family trip to the zoo
to celebrate a 10th birthday
with a small herd of girls

swimming at the y
for free
and fireworks

my idea of a perfect summer day
(minus the herd, maybe)
i'll let you know

prayers still for old house
sell, baby, sell
lord, please replace my anxiety
with your everlasting peace
boost my faith and
take control

definition

yesterday
so much still to say

today
nothing
it's gone

my mind is wired
differently than most
read an article today
relating forgetfulness
to alzheimer's
scary stuff

but it isn't forgetfulness, really
it's more of a deleted hard drive

it's like standing
in the middle of a foggy day
feeling around
and straining the eyes
to make out one small object
that is familiar
one thing that would
return the sense of balance
the orientation
what is up and what is down

and finding nothing...

hence
decipher the fog

it's so exhausting

i made it

another year
of camp
is gone

it went so fast...

had great girls
except for the
boy-craziness
and the lying

but at this age
both are to
be expected, i guess

loved being outside
so much of the day
and i actually love
the scheduled way of life

kirkwood is so beautiful
and the memories of
my relationship with Jesus
run deep there
just wish i had more time for
reflection by the water

watched my little girl
go forward
in an effort
to profess her desire
to be closer to Jesus

or her friends
again, hard to tell
at this age

i must remember
to follow up
hard to do though
with the summer situation

jump back into life
with both feet
because the lion
has a fever...again

but today
it was strangely quiet
after all those chatty girls

kind of lonely

and a surprise...
girly girl dropped off
to spend the night
for our time together
tomorrow

that makes me happy

now if i can just push back this fog....

oh, and we saw a deer in the back yard
real close...
good stuff...

God must have known
i missed the nature
and he brought it just
a little closer for me today

the lion cries for me
more tomorrow....

off to camp

spent the evening
putting together
cabin assignments
and bible study
or "family group"
assignments

back home for the night
and church tomorrow
then back to camp i go

here we go...

(your prayers appreciated
and maybe a letter or two...
thanks!)

cost of war

just an interesting website i
stumbled on through a link
in another blog i read

i don't have a big stance
for or against the war, really
but this is ridiculous!

http://costofwar.com/

kids

a long week at work
and it was only
two and a half days

it was great to be
somewhere else for
awhile
but it is great to be
back where i belong

too many loud voices for me
funny
i don't think she said
one thing that didn't offend me
great lesson in patience

two day trip again
via airplane
getting to be an old pro
at this
i think the novelty
is wearing off

lunch with my little girl
the other day
not so little anymore
already bored of summer
and looking for
mischief

and complaining

she wasn't happy that
i had to go
but mostly because
her step-sister had
something to do
and she didn't

the monkey was back today
talking up a storm
hello, uh-oh, and one other
sound that is the same
every time but i can't figure
it out yet

and he keeps tapping his
shoe or his arm with his
index finger
as if he is testing me to see
if i know what it is called

those eyebrows raise like
an old school marm
as if to say
i know you aren't dumb,
are you?

the lion is obsessed
with cars from the movie
well, "cars"
race car go fast, mommy

at a store today
and out the window
you can see an apartment complex
they have two sets of flags
to draw attention to the property

i am perusing the selections
and he says
in that loud,
listen-to-me-now voice
wook, mommy, fags!
(why is it they always choose
that voice when they say
something embarrassing?)
what? i mean, oh yeah!
(please don't say that again!)
a few minutes pass and
he again says in that loud voice
wook, mommy, more fags!
time to go...
we really need to work on that "l" sound!

of course, my other favorite
is when he wants to sing
and we "crap"...
you know, put two hands together
to cheer him on...

man, does it get better than this?

every single day

lazy morning
and the phone rang

could i fill in this week?
three days in a row
or all week

uh...

juggled the kids and
went in today for 1/2 day
and will go in tomorrow
and wednesday
all i can manage
with short notice
thanks to all the ones
who helped me juggle...

in middle school
our youth group
paired each kid with
an older adult
a "prayer parent"

mine was a sweet little lady
who never failed to show her
love and support

today i went to her visitation

in a funny twist
one year
i babysat her grandkids
while her son-in-law
coached the purple team

saw the kids today
wow...
can't believe
i used to swaddle
that tall boy
with curly black hair

turned to leave
and the youth group
leaders
husband and wife
walked in

she hugged me
and my eyes teared up
i hadn't seen her
in so long
and wasn't sure
i would again
to such a warm reception
(long story)

out of loss
joy

on the way home
visited the grave
of another
lost saint
the ground too frozen
when she died
to see where the
final resting place
would be

found it today
strange
really strange
but as my mom said
"the memories aren't
there in the ground
you carry them with you
every day"

every single day

blue water

so how desperate am i
when i google blue water
and actually go through
25 pages of pictures?

this is my favorite today

anyone with good
blue water pictures
(honduras, anyone?)
please send them my way

GO REDS!!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=V6m5tdXzluQ

Really cool video and song about the Reds...
could they do it this year???

long day

test was so easy

hardest part was drinking yucky stuff
and the needle prick for the dye

although the technician was
young...and a bit ditzy

luckily i was already so nervous
i didn't realize until later

reminded her i had asthma
she said it was only important
if i had an allergic reaction

duh

and then she said
most people aren't allergic to it
they ask the asthma question
in case you are allergic to...uh...
(i know she is trying to think of
the list of things that would be related
to the iodine dye they are using - but then
she goes on...)
...uh...a lot of things...
and then she moved on to do my iv

boy, i am glad i was a bit loopy from nerves
i think my support person
(aka my stoic husband in his cute work clothes)
would have laughed out loud
at her ditzy answers
either that or demanded real answers

so it's over and now we wait

i think i spend half my life waiting
for something to happen,
something to be over,
or something to begin

but on to the next thing of the day....

hung out with the talker
on the last day of our custody
for the summer
attitude city, really
but i gave some of it back to her
and she snapped out of it

dinner at mom's

then we surprised her and took her
and the lion
to see the movie "cars"
great movie
comedy for all ages - funny stuff even for dad
larry the cable guy is mater
and he is hilarious
at the end
as the credits roll
there is a spoof on other pixar movies
great, great stuff
and the soundtrack is awesome too

then it was on to her dad's
and i hated it, as usual
i am used to a lot of things
dealing with this awful situation
but never this
never letting my little one go
even for the blink in time
that summer is
and she has no idea that the summer
is going to be totally different than she thinks
didn't have the heart to tell her
and pray she gets the story straight
when she is told
will see her at camp
sunday after next
but her spirit has changed already
as it always does
this time of year
half a hug and a "go"
are all i got
only eight more agonizing times
to do this...

so i'll go on that awful note
i am so tired
physically and emotionally
and i'm off to work tomorrow
guess i could use some zzz's

good night

test

test today

scan of abdomen
and pelvis

drinking minty-orange
chalky stuff
worse than the worst
antacid ever

shoulda been a drinker
the way i guzzled it
at 3
this morning

but then
that wouldn't be good

kinda scared
caught myself
calling out
to who?
daddy...
of all people
could be God
as that was my name
for Him in high school
could be my dad
both in same place
(i pray)
so...
strange what fear will do

i just pray for answers...

still we wait

house still for sale
there are more
for sale signs
in the neighborhood
than there are kids
playing
sad state of affairs

it's been close
a few times
but no offer yet

starting to feel the pinch

we wait...

butterfly show

lion, monkey and talker
accompany me and grandma
to the butterfly show

large room
lots of plants
and a few trees
with sweet fruit
and tons of butterflies
blue, orange, brown
and a huge one
that looks like the eye of an owl

grandma and the talker
loved it
and a few "landed" on them
monkey and lion
and me
watched all the people
going crazy over
bugs

it's all in the perspective

airplane landed safely
espn and jeopardy
back on tv

some things are so predictable...

airplane = blog

so when the airplane leaves
the ground, it is a sign for
me to do a blog entry

or so i've been told

cards vs. reds
doesn't seem like business to me
but then again
maybe that's why i'm not making
the big bucks

seems strangely quiet around here
and i'm two hours ahead
of normal bedtime
ahh...seems a bit like
vacation
but i'm missing the best part
my husband!

but he knows i love to sleep : )

this time of year
always gets me down
my little chick-a-dee
flies the coop for a while
friday is the last day
until september is knocking
wish i could protect her somehow
from the disappointment
that summer will bring
instead i'll keep quiet
and pretend it is good
and hope she keeps an open mind

camp in two weeks
am i ready?
not so much

doctor again
same same same
but no real answers this time
test on friday
not scared
just dreading the side effects
actually hopeful that
maybe, just maybe
there is an answer and
it isn't all in my head
after all this time
could there really be an answer?

so, my husband, i have blogged
it is jumbled and
it is short
but i am thinking of you

oh, and i'll tell you again
long, spitty names and
thick soles mean
get off the plane
we don't want heroes
we want you to get off the plane
just so you remember...

come home safe
we miss you