my new friend amy

i remember
standing in the hallway
by the gymnasium
eighth grade
the year almost complete
everyone goes
separate ways
to different schools
in a matter of days

i smuggled my walkman
to school
in a brown paper bag
with my favorite tape
unguarded
by amy grant

from my breaking heart
i wanted to play
the prodigal
for my best friend
my first christian friend
who was taking a different path
than me the next year

somehow i knew
we wouldn't speak again
or see each other again
and you know
i was right

so standing there
between classes
with the shouts of others
i turned the volume
all the way up
and played...

"I face the day again
Against the window pane.
I remain your closest friend,
And wish you back again.
You wonder how I feel;
You think you've pushed too far.
If only you could see this pen
Scribbling down my heart.

I'll be waiting.
I may be young or old and gray,
Counting the days,
But I'll be waiting,
And when I finally see you come,
I'll run when I see you--
I'll meet you."

was i dramatic or what?

all these years later
after a detour into country music
my favorite singer remains
amy grant

for christmas
my husband teasingly gave me
a membership to her fan club
(after i asked for it two years in a row)

and for my birthday
he gave me tickets to her concert
she was coming to my state!
and i've been counting the days
ever since

see, part of the deal with her fan club
is that you can go to her sound checks
for free
just register beforehand and you're in

so i did

and you know what?
i met amy grant
it was surreal
she is so down to earth
and so real

but wait,
hang with me here
it's gets better!

well see part of the membership
also allows access to
these online message boards
and i read on those
that most people give amy
a card at the sound check

that felt fake to me
so i vetoed the idea
but then i figured
hey i can write a fan letter
i mean i am a fan

and as my husband so sweetly put it
i was going to the concert
three hours early
two and a half hours away
i was pretty much committed
to being a fan

so i wrote a little letter
just saying thanks
because her music
has really helped me
over the years
as we weathered
similar things in life

i gave it to her tour manager
as they quickly snapped my picture
with her
and it was over

i went on to the concert
it's amazing all the things you notice
when it isn't your first time
seeing the stage
or hearing the songs

a little after half way through the show
amy says that before the show
she received a letter
from a lady
and she just had to include a song
because of it
this lady and her had similar life experiences

my husband leans over
and says
is that you? is that your letter?

and i just nod
tears streaming down my face

amy says
so here's a song for my sister
and anyone else who knows
the healing power of God's forgiveness

and then she sings
my favorite song

as tears continued down my face

she sang a song for me
can you believe it?
it's been a week and a half
and i'm still wrapping my mind
around it all

on one hand
it seems like it was no big deal
and in the grand scheme of things
i guess it isn't
she's a regular person too
(a very famous one...)

but on the other hand
OH MY GOSH
it was so cool!!!!
which may explain
my psycho look in this picture...

was i excited or what?

eve of 5

he wore shorts today
for the first time
this season

and suddenly revealed
were legs that weren't that long
a few months ago

he's a counter
and a scheduler
he wants to know when and why

we've been counting down
the days to his birthday
for months now

not seasons
like baseball
but still a long time

today he celebrated
at preschool
with chocolate chip cookies

it's cute
they call it their special day
and wear a glittered yellow crown

before they have their snack
the special day kid
sits on a stool in the middle of the circle

the kids all go around
and tell what's special
about the special kid

a couple of them
gave what must be the standard response
he's special because God made him

a couple others
gave the other standard
he's special because he plays with me

one cute little girl
whispered in his ear
that he was special because she loved him

watch out world!

it got me thinking
of all the reasons
i think he is special

they are mostly the same reasons
that all moms think
their kids are special

but it was a little more touching
today
on the eve of 5

because 5 seems to start everything
it's such a big step forward
my baby boy isn't so baby anymore

and while i'm happy
that he is growing so well
a small part of me is sad

my eyes filled with tears
as i got my last
four year old kisses tonight

but i was filled with hope
as i felt more than saw
his future spread before me

God filled me with peace
reminding me that He is in charge
and will always be with my son

even as he grows
right before my very eyes

happy birthday little man

tball

finally
the trees give way
to green
and with spring
comes tball

last spring
came the declaration
that baseball was to be played
sign me up

too little
was a concept
that confused him
being king of his world and all

next year
i promised
when is next year
he asked

this is spring
then comes hot summer
then the leaves fall off the trees
then it snows

then
finally
it is spring
and you can play

with every season
that came and went
it was compared to
the baseball master schedule

closer and closer it came
and he got more and more excited
i just can't believe
my little baby is old enough to play

the leaves started peeking out
and he asked me if it was spring
i told him almost
knowing he was really talking about baseball

then the day came
and it was really cold
but he didn't complain
not even a little bit

it was a family event
dad, mom, Baby Girl
we all came to see Little Man
practice for the first time

every time the ball flew through the air
he bounced in place
wondering if he could (PLEASE)
be the one to get the ball

reminded me of a puppy
all that was missing
was the panting
and the drooling

and maybe there was even that

friday's feast #188 (#29)

It's been a long week but today is FRIDAY!! And that means Friday's Feast...If you'd like to read other people's answers or participate, click on the picture above.

Appetizer

Name something you would categorize as weird.

It's weird that my daughter is almost twelve and almost taller than me. It's happened so fast that it's just weird to me (and it makes me feel OLD!!).

Soup

What color was the last piece of food you ate?

light brown - a soft pretzel

Salad

On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you enjoy being alone?

It depends on my mood. But being an only child, I'm more comfortable alone - lonely, but more comfortable. And being a mommy, I don't have much alone time, so I'll say an 8.

Main Course

Fill in the blank: I will __hopefully___ vote for _the right candidate___ in _November__.

Dessert

Describe your sleeping habits.

Anytime, any place. Seriously. :) (Usually go to bed between 11 and 12, up at 7:15. Catch a nap if I can during the day.)

Have a great weekend everyone!

time moves on

driving to pick up little man at school
passed a grass cutting team
whiff of grass
the first of the season
spring is here

didn't realize how much i missed it
until it came back around again

the sun is shining today
it's still too cold to sit outside
but it's coming
it's coming!!

now if i can just get our neighbor
to stop mowing his grass
at naptime on fridays
or before nine on saturdays...

had to take care of some business
at a courthouse in the next town over
just filing paperwork
to deal with my uncle's death

my cousin went with me
thankfully
as it was a field trip for the boys
and they got bored right away

lots of questions
watching our bags go for a ride
down the conveyor belt
of a metal detector

the room was really a hallway
with may i help you windows
it was hot and unfriendly
with everyone's business out in the open

sixty-four dollars and fifty cents
to verify that yes, he's really gone
can i please handle the mess
that he's left behind?

but at least i wasn't the one
contesting a custody arrangement
demanding something be done
before school let out for the day

or the other guy
without the money to pay his hefty fine
i left before i heard
what would happen if he didn't pay

in these times of stress
i recognize
how truly blessed i am
even if it is hard

each obstacle
each challenge
a refinement
to bring glory to God

amen.

friday's feast #186 (#28)

I didn't feel up to posting this meme last week. This week I thought it would be a great way to "get back in the saddle" - but there wasn't a new list of questions this week. So...here are last week's questions, this week. :) Oh, and if you'd like to read other's answers or join the fun, click on the picture above.

Appetizer
Invent a new flower; give it a name and describe it.

Oh boy, this is so not my style! Corrie, help! (That's my friend who likes to play in the dirt and get paid for it). I guess it would be like a tulip but hardier (is that a word?) so that it lasts longer. My tulips never last very long. And it would have to be purple - dark purple. So dark that there is some blue in there. I'd name it...quadlip - because it would last twice as long as a tulip. haha

Soup
Name someone whom you think has a wonderful voice.

Amy Grant

Salad
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how clean do you keep your car?

Seeing as how I spent 2 hours cleaning out my car the other day, I'd have to say it's a 10 right now...okay, maybe a 9 after Little Man had his breakfast in there this morning. Usually it's about a 5, I guess. Toys mostly.

Main Course
How do you feel about poetry?

What kind of question is that? I don't feel anything about poetry. But most of the time, when I'm feeling something about the events in my life, I write. Nine times out of ten it comes out in poetry form.

Dessert
What was the last person/place/thing you took a picture of?

The kids. I can't remember which one. Probably the little one. He's more willing and here with me all day.

goodbye thoughts

I come here because I know that the only way for me to process this and wiggle my way out of the fog, is to write. I know someday I will want a trail to follow - a way to see how far I've come from where I am today. I guess that is truly the reason for this blog. To build history. For someone years from now to know the how and the why of the things I did. Even if the only someone is me.

There is a lot of suffering in the previous generation of my family. For a long time, I have relentlessly pursued the details - not wanting that suffering to be in vain. In the process, I have adopted that suffering and carry it with me. It recently dawned on me that I do not need to hold on to the suffering for it to be real or valid. It is my suffering, and it is not mine. Jesus Christ came and suffered so we do not have to. Will there still be suffering? Yes. But he has paid the price. The mercy and grace of God is ours because he suffered for us. That mercy and grace covers all the suffering on this side of Heaven. The hard part is letting it go - letting it be washed in the blood that was shed for me. I feel like I had to carry that past suffering for it to be redeemed, just as I have thought I need to carry my sins down this road of life in order to be redeemed. The a-ha moment for me yesterday is that both things are redeemed, not by my power, but by the power of Jesus Christ. Nothing, nothing I can do is stronger than that.

These thoughts have been triggered by the news that my father's brother has died. He died in mid-March. He didn't have a phone. He was eccentric. They could not find my contact information in his apartment - if they looked. They placed an ad in the paper looking for me, and I didn't see it. The deputy coroner waited a week, waiting...and when no one responded, they buried my uncle in the pauper's cemetary in an unmarked grave. Does the sadness of my family ever end? Do the feelings of failure ever end for me? I tried so hard to connect with this man, so like my father in so many ways, and he spoke of the delight of knowing each other, but he ran away from connections. Only on his terms would he be comfortable. Those terms were never clear, nor consistent. The last time I saw him, I knew it wouldn't be long. Down deep, I recognized the same patterns of conversation that so mimicked those last few precious conversations with my dad, almost 10 years ago. And like my father, he withdrew even more - more aware that the time was coming than he knew.

His heart stopped. And with that, the last full blood relation I have on that side of my family is gone. I'm sad. To not have more time. I'm mad. He didn't fight, knowing he could have prolonged his life. I'm relieved. The generation of suffering is at rest. I'm frustrated. There's a mess he left behind and I have to help fix it. I'm hurt. All the pain of my father's death has rushed back to the surface of my heart. I grieve for all these boys didn't have. For the time I didn't have with them. For the lack of depth that they found acceptable.

He loved to talk about his mom. Not many people had much respect for her. To me, she was the center of the suffering. The center of the mystery. I craved information about her. He knew that. I don't know if that's why he talked about her so much with me - or if he was wondering back to a time and place when someone loved him unconditionally. She wasn't capable of much, but I'm sure she loved her boys with all her heart. Call it a guess, but a mom's heart can go through quite a lot and that mom love is still very much intact. I don't think he ever felt that love again.

All I can do is see him in my mind's eye, the day before he had his surgery. It's been two and a half years from that time. I couldn't find him and out of the blue, there he was. Sick. In another hospital room. The same skin tone as my dad. It threw me for such a loop then. And now, all I can do is see him there, shaking his leg like I'm so accustomed to doing, scared to death. This little package of a man. I've only seen two men display fear in my whole life - and it's the two men who spent their entire lives building walls to conceal the fear. And in a matter of days, I was thrust to the center of their souls - and I saw the raw fear. Two men. Two different times. The tears came both times. For both of us. I reached deep both times to comfort a man I barely knew. I tried hard to bridge that gap of neglect and hurt, to reach into the heart of the matter, and bring peace. With my father, the first time, I didn't mention Jesus. I was afraid. But you better believe I did the second time. I would not let another one slip away. And I don't know where he stood at the end, when his time on earth was through, but I can tell you he knew that Jesus loved him and wanted to meet him right where he was. Oh, how I pray he reached out for Jesus.

Rest in peace, my uncle. No more fighting to survive. No more pain. No more loneliness. No more searching. It's over. You've run your race. You are whole in a way you've never been, just like Dad. And while I'll miss you both, and wonder what could have, should have, might have been, I know you both are far better off now than you've ever been. And someday soon, I will be happy about that.

friday's feast #185 (#27)

If you'd like to play along or read other's answers, click on the picture above...

Appetizer

What does the color dark green make you think of?

Honestly? Baby poop. Isn't that terrible?

Soup

How many cousins do you have?

Never counted that before...21, I think. Big family, not that close to most of them. Life moves on...

Salad

On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how honest are you?

Hey, we've had this question before!! I'd say probably a 9. Like I said before, I can't tell the lady with the funky haircut that it's awful if she asks. But other than that, I try really hard to be honest. Life's too short to be any other way. Besides, God calls us to be honest so it's the least I can do.

Main Course

Name something that is truly free.

Salvation through Jesus Christ. He paid the price - a hefty price - so that it is FREE to us. Hallelujah!

Dessert

Using the letters in the word SPRING, write a sentence.

Some People Really Invigorate New Growth. Um yeah, whatever... :)

Happy weekend everyone!

happy birthday to me!

Yup, it's my birthday...doesn't matter which one, I stopped counting a few years ago. :)

And for a birthday treat, just look at this sweetness:

This is the sweetie who was born the other day. Yummy newborn goodness!

Have a great day everyone - and can someone find the sun for me? It's been missing for three days! Thanks.

she's here!

I'm plain exhausted but I wanted to write a quick post to tell you that SHE'S HERE!! My friend, well actually my roommate from college, delivered a healthy 7 pound baby girl at 5:47 PM. They've named her Natalie Elizabeth and she is so precious!! I don't have my camera cord thingy with me or I'd post a picture. I will when I get home. Mom and baby are doing really well - just exhausted, like the rest of us. It took way longer than they thought it would (doesn't it always?) and so we (Grandma, Grandpa, her friend and I) had to keep up with and entertain her other two kids. They are 7 and 2.

Whew.

On that note, I'm off to bed! Good night!