July 25, 2006

love, me

so today is the 25th of july
the midpoint between the
anniversaries of the two
saddest days of my life

the 20th marked 8 years
since my father lost the
last battle of his life

well, we think it was the 20th
because he was alone
when it happened and
no one is sure of anything
his death certificate reads the
day he was found
but i try not to think about that part

i call it the last battle of his life
because after he died
it became apparent that he
fought many things over the years
and most of the enemies were

having been such a small part
of my childhood
i was surprised at the emotion
i felt when he died
and i am even more surprised
by the feelings of regret and sadness
that remain
even after 8 years

there seems to be so much left
so much left unsaid
and how do you resolve things
with someone who can't hear you?

but there is healing there
it is better than it used to be
i just never imagined it would
take so long to close the wounds

the 30th of this month
marks 14 years since my godmother died
she was a dynamic woman
who took time to help raise me
i named my daughter after her
and miss her in so many little ways

no matter how many years pass
there is always that fleeting moment
of sadness as these ten days
slip through the hourglass of time
these two people were so integral
in my childhood
for vastly different reasons
and the fact that the date
on which they died are days
from one another
is another of those ironic things
that makes me question
God's sovereignty

or my sanity

of course it is true
that His plan is perfect
and always works for good
and i rest in that truth

i praise you Lord
for blessing me with these
when i needed them most
thank you for their love
and thank you for teaching me
in my relationships with them


rest in peace
you two
i look forward
to seeing you again

"If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me."
-Collin Raye, "Love, Me"

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