happy birthday, dad

my dad would have been 60 today

had he lived past 52

the loss of a loved one
no matter how they hurt you
is something you never really
get over

i hope he has found more peace
where he is now
than he found here on earth

i think i have less peace about
him now
than i did while he was here

or maybe it's just that i know
more
or maybe i don't know enough

or possibly i care more now

but mainly i am still full of anger
it just isn't all aimed at him anymore

it's more widespread
his parents
the social system of the late 40's and early 50's
the way mental illnesses were handled then

but i guess i am still angry with him too
for his reluctance to overcome
and his unwillingness to love
and his fear of reaching out

how do you come to terms with anger
when the person you are angry with
is gone?

merciful jesus, close the wounds
fill me with your peace
hold me in your arms and
remind me that i am yours
you are the only one who
can take this anger away
help me to have mercy and
give grace to him
just as you have done with me
over and over and over
amen

happy birthday, dad