the key

i'm sinking
in the quicksand of life
the fog is so thick
i can barely see through it

i should be elated
i should be filled with joy
thanks to God's grace and mercy
instead all i feel is anger and defeat

the three ring circus
spirals around and around me
on the brink of chaos
and leaving me on the brink of insanity

i have a new set of keys
keys that hold endless possibility
but the key i really want
has been taken away from me

stop the train
i need to stop
need to find more strength
to figure it out one more time

so hard to draw near to you
O God
please draw near to me
remind me of your peace

i need that so much right now

spinning

five steps forward
four steps back
i focus on the one step that
remains forward

it's not all for no reason
it can't be all for no reason

round and round
we go
how can i stand firm
when the ground
keeps spinning?

clear the fog, o Lord
please...i want to
concentrate on what
i am thankful for
not on the mere
movements of my day

thank you for my family
even when we fight
thank you for the bubble
that wraps us up tight

wow, i made a rhyme
silly me

Jesus, watch over my
little girl as she spends
thanksgiving on the
other side of the world
well, it just feels like it
anyway

welcome to the world, little one
people you don't even know
are pulling for you

thanks for the miracle, Lord

now what?

i knew that things had been
even keel for too long

only i hadn't realized that
i was just waiting for the
other shoe to fall

with the slam of a door
the heavy fog is back

now what?

ready

what a roller coaster
life has been this week

go here
do this
hurry, we'll be late

can thanksgiving really be in 2 days?

that means christmas is just around the corner

wait, WAIT...slow down this train
i'm not ready

speaking of being ready,
my thoughts this am
are about a little girl
(not my own, thank God)
who will not be so little
by the end of the day
a baby born of a baby

my heart aches for her
my mind can't put itself
all the way around
what is happening
Lord, help her and
keep her calm

and life goes on...

one more day

my life is not my own
especially not this week

too many poopy diapers
and carrying around
20 or 30 pounds

the lion cub doesn't like
shopping any more
than the papa lion

i'm exhausted and
this is supposed to be
when i relax and unwind

instead i may just collapse

but my kids are adorable
and my husband comes home
tomorrow - thank God

renew my strength, O Lord

defending the homefront

another ride
through the skies

another four days
defending the homefront
alone

a small speck in that huge state
reminds me of the grains of sand
in the desert
which is appropriate

it is a battle of wills again
over nap time
big purple marks encircle his eyes
but of course, he is not tired

miss 3d skeleton
tested her bones yesterday
with a fall out of a tree
good thing she has a hard head
but sore muscles are the worst

some days i feel like these walls
are closing in on me
today is one of those days
where's the sun?
come out, come out
wherever you are

indoor soccer

the one with the most wind
is winded today

indoor soccer
started

it's a whole new ballgame

nibble on the house
no details yet

should go to the hospital

tired
fog
at least there is sun

maybe after nap time

happy birthday, dad

my dad would have been 60 today

had he lived past 52

the loss of a loved one
no matter how they hurt you
is something you never really
get over

i hope he has found more peace
where he is now
than he found here on earth

i think i have less peace about
him now
than i did while he was here

or maybe it's just that i know
more
or maybe i don't know enough

or possibly i care more now

but mainly i am still full of anger
it just isn't all aimed at him anymore

it's more widespread
his parents
the social system of the late 40's and early 50's
the way mental illnesses were handled then

but i guess i am still angry with him too
for his reluctance to overcome
and his unwillingness to love
and his fear of reaching out

how do you come to terms with anger
when the person you are angry with
is gone?

merciful jesus, close the wounds
fill me with your peace
hold me in your arms and
remind me that i am yours
you are the only one who
can take this anger away
help me to have mercy and
give grace to him
just as you have done with me
over and over and over
amen

happy birthday, dad

bubble

birthdays are the epitome of family

i'm glad that we have family
to share good times with

some days i can't see the
many blessings for the
blur of every day details

and some days my heart
beats extra fast as i
fret that the bubble that
encases us will burst

the bubble that means
healthy children and a
loving husband and awesome
in-laws and an understanding
mother and a new house
and a caring brother

the bubble that i appreciate
because it hasn't always
been there

a bubble is fragile

oh God, protect my little bubble
i pray

birthday

the fog has been
hovering for a
few days now

i've lost track of how long

very sleepy

birthday time at our house
men are really
little boys
when it comes to
birthdays and a few
other things

jealous of the ability
to be so excited
over so little

monkey and lion
taking a nap
sounds good to me

stretch in the sun like a cat
and sleep the afternoon away

but first i must make the lasagna
for the party later
yum

tug a war

tug a war
is hard to play
when you don't
understand the rules

arguing with a
little boy is like
playing tug a war

only he doesn't know
the rules

i think i got a few more gray
hairs today

i also think i need the nap
more than he does

busy day

tangled hair
sitting in a chair
a moment's glance
all is well

cavity filled
she looked like
half her face
was falling off

kids are expensive

highlight of my day
the sun beats down
running around on
the playground
six slides
and a grandma
what more could a kid want?

thank goodness tomorrow is friday
it's been a long week

wisdom at 2

why do 2 year olds think
that repeating something
will change the answer?

sharing is hard for a 2 year old

at 2, older kids are cool
imitation is a fine art

when you are 2,
your mom sighs a lot

i'm losing my mind...

number eight

counted for sale signs
on my way home from
taking the tiger
to roar somewhere else
for awhile

we make number eight
in a four block radius

makes me nervous

the others are all
on main streets
we are tucked away
a little

fingers crossed

prayers every day

happy halloween

carson did okay
"more candy, more candy"
"have, it's okay?"

my little skeleton
isn't so little anymore
filled her bucket
talking a mile a minute
to a singer and a cheerleader

i think they could have gone on all night
mom and dad were tired
grandparents swoon
pictures taken
scary skeleton with her arms around
carson palmer

halloween is weird

hmm, now which pieces of candy do I want?