common ground

I've been waiting patiently for the magic day when I would just feel better and back to normal. I would be able to jump back into the swing of things and ta-da! it would all be smooth sailing.

Not so much. That magic day has been elusive. I do feel stronger every day and I ditched the heavy pain medicine a couple of days ago. Still have pain, but would rather know what day of the week it is and that kind of thing, if you know what I mean. And the pain isn't all that bad, really, considering the scheme of things. Have I been vague enough for you?

If so, you'll enjoy this story. The kids started soccer practice this week. Little Man was practicing in the front yard with his dad, Handsome. With one well aimed shot (or not so well aimed, you decide), Handsome was out of the game for a while. He came slowly walking into the house with Little Man trailing after him. Little Man kept asking him why he was leaving the game, it wasn't over yet! Handsome kept saying that he just needed to sit down for a minute. Little Man was clueless. I figured it out just by looking at them and in order for the game to continue, I offered to just stand in the goal (because I'm sure not running these days). As I went out the door, I asked Handsome to rescue me as soon as possible. He said that I just didn't understand. I looked at him pointedly and reassured him that I was still recovering from a surgery that clearly made me understand - if not trump - his momentary handicap.

He acquiesced. (Wow. Big word for me. It really just came to mind like that. The meds must really be gone! I surprised myself!) We were amused by the irony of his injury. By the way, he's fine. Thanks for asking. :)

Anyway, the schedule got all messed up and I have Baby Girl here with me for a few days and we've been trying to get school supplies and the like. I can only handle being gone a few hours at a time so it's been hard to accomplish much. We did get her school supplies. We also were able to get her physical so she can run cross country. But that's a whole different story for another day...

Glad to be back among the blogging...I've missed it. And yes, I promise for the second or third time, the vacation post is coming, as is one on the book I've been reading...soon...

life happened

I know, I know, I promised vacation pictures and deep thinking posts not too long ago.

Life happened.

I'd been on a waiting list to have surgery. The kind of surgery isn't important (or more accurately, I don't want to go there out here on the interweb) but they called on July 1st and said I finally would be able to have it done on July 23rd.

Right smack in the middle of Vacation Bible School at our church. And I was in charge of the Preschool part of the program. Notice I say was, because although I did two days of it this week, my wonderful mom rescued me by doing the other three.

Surgery was successful and I have a long term recovery ahead of me. But at least there is light at the end of the tunnel now.

So I still will get there with the pictures and the posts. But first, let me get these pain meds out of my system. Otherwise, who knows what I will say?! It's taken me two days to get this much written, as it is.

I'll be back soon. :)

friends

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." - Psalm 139:13-16

I don't know if my roommate from college reads my blog. We usually catch up on our cell phones on drives home from work. Just yesterday, we talked about what she would name baby #3 (actually #2, but #1 is just like one of her own anyway). Then this afternoon, I got a text message that her blood work from Monday came in. The baby has tested positive for spina bifida. It is highly likely that this is a false positive. But they have to wait until Tuesday to get an ultrasound for further investigation. Talk about being on pins and needles!

Sitting here, I yearn to be near her. She lives so far away from me - and in times like this, it feels even farther. Whenever we visit each other, we spend hours dreaming of living next door to each other. Even in the same neighborhood would be good enough. I can remember worrying so fiercely about who my roommate would be. As I ventured from home for that first time, would I be stuck with someone I couldn't stand? Would we be able to teach each other how to use our newly found wings?

It turns out that my worries were unfounded. She grew up in a small town so different than my large city. But we were very much the same. We made many memories back then. She's one of those precious friends where days and months could pass but the very next time you talk, you feel as if no time at all has passed. I often wonder why we aren't in touch more often but it only takes a conversation with her little one or a tug on the leg from my son to know that life is so busy. We are in the middle of the days that will shape our families and our responsibilities are so many right now.

But the truth of our friendship remains. She's hurting right now. And so, I am too.

prayers requested

Six years ago, we moved to this school district. We didn't know anyone. The first person that Baby Girl met was a girl who is still among her closest friends. A couple of weeks ago, this girl's dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. He's only 41. Last Monday, he had surgery to remove the tumor. In the process of the surgery, they took some tests. I learned today that the cancer showed up in two of his lymph nodes. He will be scheduled for 12 chemotherapy treatments over six months. This is a long road. To top it off, his wife lost her job a few months back and he was only working part time. Thank the good Lord, they have health insurance right now through COBRA. But could you imagine?

This has really shaken me because my father died of rectal cancer that had metastasized. And this is the first person among our peers to have to deal with something like that. I am really at a loss as to what to say to them, although I have told the wife I will do whatever she needs me to do. I look at the kids' faces (they also have a girl in kindergarten) and want to love the worry right off of them.

Bev at Scratchin' the Surface posted about getting a colonoscopy and I encourage you to read the post. It isn't as bad as I thought it was. Because of my family history, I'm going to talk to my doctor about this. After our friend's diagnosis so young, I want to cover my bases. Do this for your family - it's totally worth it.

And, friend, we are praying for you. Good luck. I like best what Bev said in an email to me (and I'm paraphrasing here) - God is bigger than any diagnosis.

catchin' up with random thoughts...

Columbus Day was a holiday for bankers and postal workers. Which means that Tuesday was chaotic in post offices and banks. Or at least that's my theory. I can attest for the banks. I had to work. After not having been a teller in years, I've been filling in as one as needed. It's hard. My back is still hurting today from standing all day. I'm not as young as I used to be. :)

My daughter has joined the knitting club. And she actually has been knitting, not just socializing. Because we all know that at 10, it's all about being with your friends. I am still struggling to figure out how she grew up so fast. And why little girls in general are growing up so fast. I know it's the society we live in and the awful culture of our television. But even standing in the way of that as best I can seems not good enough. It's compounded by her having two families. He seems oblivious to the evils that hound her every day. Without a second thought, he feeds into it by buying every whim. Instant gratification. Erroneously giving the message that material things fill the soul and bring happiness. It's an uphill road I travel to level things out. I only pray I will win this battle. Of all battles, this is the one I want to win.

My son spent a wonderful day with a friend of mine last week (while I went on a field trip with lots of loud fifth graders, but I digress...). They went to the library, played train, and stopped by Goodwill. He fell in love with this thermal Spiderman shirt. It has little mesh "wings" that attach from under each arm to each side of the shirt. He wants to be called Spidey. The funniest thing for me is that he doesn't even know who Spiderman is. Daddy tried to show him how to shoot webs from his hands and although impressed, he didn't get the concept at all. He asked me what Spiderman does. I told him he uses his web power to help people in trouble around the city. (Work with me here, I didn't play with Spiderman stuff - I was a He-man and Matchbox kind of girl). He wanted to know if Spiderman was bad. I told him no.
"But kinda like of, right?"
"No, not at all."
"Yes! He! IS!"
I guess every little boy wants his hero to have some dangerous, bad boy in him. So I picked my battle and it wasn't this one!

Friday afternoon, I leave with two friends to go to the MomTime Getaway with Lisa Whelchel in Lexington, Kentucky. I am really excited to be around other moms. I haven't been away in a while so it will be nice. I will miss my husband like crazy and my kids too, but sometimes a mom's just gotta get away. To gain perspective. To recharge. To realize what is important. I think it is a little ironic that my time away is to go to a seminar about being a mom. But I am looking forward to spending time with my friends too.

I got the results from my laproscopy a couple of weeks ago. My options aren't all that great. The details aren't worth putting out there (you know, out in the wild blue yonder of bloggyville) but if you've been there, you know. We haven't made any decisions but will need to soon. Please keep us in your prayers. I am frustrated and I'm not a really nice person when I feel out of control or when I'm in pain. Both apply right now.

I haven't mentioned our old house in a while (out of sight, out of mind - I wish!). It is STILL for sale. Lots of people have brought their houses way below market which is not helping at all. We are already lower than we wanted to go but at this point, it just needs to go. It's hard to enjoy the new house for worry about the old one. And thinking of yard work for both has been a real treat too. I guess that's one good reason winter's coming.

Well, I'm off to go run some errands. With two squirmy little boys. Wish me luck!

doing okay

home
moving slow
but doing okay

should be
back up and running
in a few days

thanks for the prayers

dirty laundry

i was raised
in such a way
that your struggles
were something that you kept inside
not to be aired
as dirty laundry on the line

that isn't a bad way
to handle things
but for someone like me
it is stifling

not that i want you
to see all my dirty laundry
(and there are piles, i assure you)
it has nothing to do with that
it's just that
i have always thought
that sharing the load with each other
especially in the light of Christ's love
is a much better way to go

so since "leaving the nest"
i've tried to surround myself
with godly women
and sympathetic ears

but the hardest part
was learning how to open up
how to share those doubts
and concerns

sometimes
i'm still not very good at it
old habits die hard, they say

and it's funny
because if it's someone else's pain
someone else's suffering
someone else's joy
i can share it
pray it
rejoice in it
with the best of them
that's why i'm the head of our church's
prayer chain

but if it's me
i'm uncomfortable

maybe i'm imposing
perhaps i'm overreacting
most likely it's no big deal
and everybody's too busy anyway

it also doesn't help
that my husband is always fine
nothing ever ruffles his feathers
and other than a cold here and there
(which he can sleep off in a day)
he never gets sick

not me
i wipe so many noses
and rear ends
that i catch everything
coming and going
and what mom has time to sleep something off?
not to mention
the havoc that two pregnancies
did to my body
(can i get an amen here?)

anyway
i've struggled these past few weeks
because i have to have a small procedure
they are calling it a surgery
i refuse

i've had problems
with my urinary tract and bladder
for a while now
and it got worse with my last pregnancy
there is always blood and white blood cells
in my urine
but cultures never indicate an infection

(okay, officially too much information...sorry)

anyway
they've done a scan
found nothing
now my ob/gyn wants
to go in through my belly button
with a camera and
peep things out

no big deal
i've even talked to others
who have had it done
and they survived

but it is freaking me out

i think i'm learning
that i have a major issue
with control

so here's some of my dirty laundry
i hope you don't mind i've shared
i would appreciate your prayers
to calm my nerves until thursday
and please pray that
there are some answers found
on thursday
because i want to feel better

my sweet Jesus,
i place this in your hands
the fear
the anxiety
the unknown
remind me that you know all
and that there are others
that deal with so much more
every single day
be with me and my family
as we weather this together
place your guiding hand
on the doctor
reveal to her the answers
that we seek
heal my body
so that i may be a better
instrument that you can use
thank you for your never-ending
grace and mercy
amen

health & school

today
i had a dr's appointment
to check to see if i was healthy

that's weird

actually it was a "pre-op" appt
to prepare for a little "procedure"
that's being done in mid-sept
no big deal really
(at least, that's what i keep telling myself)

my daughter also had a check-up
to see if she was healthy
which she is
praise the Lord

a few recommendations
sent my head
reeling
but through prayer and discussion
we will make it through

last night
went to see my friend's dad
the one that had the stroke
and he was doing really well
by the look on my friend's face
i knew that he said a few things
that were out of place
but if i didn't know her eyes so well
i would never have known
what a mystery
the brain is

today
i talked to my friend from church
ms. a
hurts my heart to say
things are not so good
short of breath but wanting to talk
a nightmare to me
still such a gentle spirit
with a positive outlook
an inspiration to me
please if you don't mind
keep praying for her
she needs to feel Jesus close
and feel the peace that comes
with that

last day
with the tiger tomorrow
if you see a woman
with bed head and pj's
at 6 in the evening
doing a funny dance
in her front yard
just wave and keep driving
it's my own private celebration

it's not that i don't want him here
please don't get me wrong
it's just a release of commitment
and a relief that
the behavior from another house
that's so different from mine
will not be modeled by my son
anymore

the tiger is moving on
because he starts school
on monday
i can't believe he's old enough
already

speaking of which
the 10 year old talker
starts school
tomorrow
fifth grade
sixth year of "big girl" school
she's been counting the days
is she ready for this?

am i?

either way
here we go...

long day

test was so easy

hardest part was drinking yucky stuff
and the needle prick for the dye

although the technician was
young...and a bit ditzy

luckily i was already so nervous
i didn't realize until later

reminded her i had asthma
she said it was only important
if i had an allergic reaction

duh

and then she said
most people aren't allergic to it
they ask the asthma question
in case you are allergic to...uh...
(i know she is trying to think of
the list of things that would be related
to the iodine dye they are using - but then
she goes on...)
...uh...a lot of things...
and then she moved on to do my iv

boy, i am glad i was a bit loopy from nerves
i think my support person
(aka my stoic husband in his cute work clothes)
would have laughed out loud
at her ditzy answers
either that or demanded real answers

so it's over and now we wait

i think i spend half my life waiting
for something to happen,
something to be over,
or something to begin

but on to the next thing of the day....

hung out with the talker
on the last day of our custody
for the summer
attitude city, really
but i gave some of it back to her
and she snapped out of it

dinner at mom's

then we surprised her and took her
and the lion
to see the movie "cars"
great movie
comedy for all ages - funny stuff even for dad
larry the cable guy is mater
and he is hilarious
at the end
as the credits roll
there is a spoof on other pixar movies
great, great stuff
and the soundtrack is awesome too

then it was on to her dad's
and i hated it, as usual
i am used to a lot of things
dealing with this awful situation
but never this
never letting my little one go
even for the blink in time
that summer is
and she has no idea that the summer
is going to be totally different than she thinks
didn't have the heart to tell her
and pray she gets the story straight
when she is told
will see her at camp
sunday after next
but her spirit has changed already
as it always does
this time of year
half a hug and a "go"
are all i got
only eight more agonizing times
to do this...

so i'll go on that awful note
i am so tired
physically and emotionally
and i'm off to work tomorrow
guess i could use some zzz's

good night

test

test today

scan of abdomen
and pelvis

drinking minty-orange
chalky stuff
worse than the worst
antacid ever

shoulda been a drinker
the way i guzzled it
at 3
this morning

but then
that wouldn't be good

kinda scared
caught myself
calling out
to who?
daddy...
of all people
could be God
as that was my name
for Him in high school
could be my dad
both in same place
(i pray)
so...
strange what fear will do

i just pray for answers...