dirty laundry

i was raised
in such a way
that your struggles
were something that you kept inside
not to be aired
as dirty laundry on the line

that isn't a bad way
to handle things
but for someone like me
it is stifling

not that i want you
to see all my dirty laundry
(and there are piles, i assure you)
it has nothing to do with that
it's just that
i have always thought
that sharing the load with each other
especially in the light of Christ's love
is a much better way to go

so since "leaving the nest"
i've tried to surround myself
with godly women
and sympathetic ears

but the hardest part
was learning how to open up
how to share those doubts
and concerns

sometimes
i'm still not very good at it
old habits die hard, they say

and it's funny
because if it's someone else's pain
someone else's suffering
someone else's joy
i can share it
pray it
rejoice in it
with the best of them
that's why i'm the head of our church's
prayer chain

but if it's me
i'm uncomfortable

maybe i'm imposing
perhaps i'm overreacting
most likely it's no big deal
and everybody's too busy anyway

it also doesn't help
that my husband is always fine
nothing ever ruffles his feathers
and other than a cold here and there
(which he can sleep off in a day)
he never gets sick

not me
i wipe so many noses
and rear ends
that i catch everything
coming and going
and what mom has time to sleep something off?
not to mention
the havoc that two pregnancies
did to my body
(can i get an amen here?)

anyway
i've struggled these past few weeks
because i have to have a small procedure
they are calling it a surgery
i refuse

i've had problems
with my urinary tract and bladder
for a while now
and it got worse with my last pregnancy
there is always blood and white blood cells
in my urine
but cultures never indicate an infection

(okay, officially too much information...sorry)

anyway
they've done a scan
found nothing
now my ob/gyn wants
to go in through my belly button
with a camera and
peep things out

no big deal
i've even talked to others
who have had it done
and they survived

but it is freaking me out

i think i'm learning
that i have a major issue
with control

so here's some of my dirty laundry
i hope you don't mind i've shared
i would appreciate your prayers
to calm my nerves until thursday
and please pray that
there are some answers found
on thursday
because i want to feel better

my sweet Jesus,
i place this in your hands
the fear
the anxiety
the unknown
remind me that you know all
and that there are others
that deal with so much more
every single day
be with me and my family
as we weather this together
place your guiding hand
on the doctor
reveal to her the answers
that we seek
heal my body
so that i may be a better
instrument that you can use
thank you for your never-ending
grace and mercy
amen