hiya

Is it just me or is life a bit crazy right now?

I'm standing at the store, restoring my phone. It decided to go crazy too and I realized just to what extent I was (am) addicted to my phone. See, when I got my phone, I decided to use it as my calendar too. Now, I'm a paper person so this was a BIG adjustment for me. And, yes, my calendar is on my computer but I need it in my hand, on the road, where the heck am I going? So the past few days have been a bit like I'm missing my hand. Not the one I write with, but close enough. :)

So while I love the technology of my phone, it stinks right about now. I'm waiting...waiting...waiting...for it to download whatever lovely thing it needs to work again. So what better time to update my blog. Free internet - check. Free time (even if it is unwanted) - check. My trusty computer - check. So here we are....

The kids are doing well in school. Little Man still petitions for half day school on a regular basis (no such luck, kiddo) and Baby Girl is super busy with soccer AND cross country. I have no idea how she runs so much but you go, girl! She had her first meet on Saturday and she ran two miles in 18 minutes. With only a week of training. After three quarters of a soccer game. Wonder woman. :)

Handsome is gearing up to travel for work. He has to go on three trips in the span of three weeks. That's a lot. And I squeeze in a trip to Colorado in there. Busy, busy, busy. Reminding myself for the millionth time that these are the good days.

I look forward to going to Colorado. I've never been west of Illinois. Unless you count the week at Young Life camp in Minnesota. I hear it is beautiful. I can't wait to learn more about Compassion and to see all the things they are up to. I'll definitely try to post while I'm out there. Especially pictures.

(halfway on the restore...in case you were wondering...)

Is anyone else excited that the Fall TV shows are about to start? I'm not a big TV watcher but my husband has gotten me hooked on a few shows. Plus I'm curious to see what Jay Leno has up his sleeve. To be honest, I'll just be glad to watch something other than football. I know it just started and all, but well, it isn't my favorite thing to watch and our tv is full of it these days.

Wow, that halfway went to complete in a very short time....not that I'm complaining!! I gotta run but I will try to post again soon!!! I'm not even going to stop and read this through first, just post it (might be a mistake!!) so if there are errors, sorry!

God bless!

good times

well hey there

long time no talk

i hate that slacker part of me

i always come back

and make promises for more

then fail

agh - frustrating

so no more promises

just me

today is a beautiful day

all of God's creatures

singing in delight

i'm watching 

a game of toss

between my two favorite boys

sitting outside

enjoying the warm sun

feeling the wind blow by

thinking about a handful of people

who are halfway across the world

and wondering how life is for them today

another group of compassion bloggers

are on a trip

this time to india

i know God will move

i know lives will be changed

and i pray lots of kids get sponsored

business trip tomorrow

never get used to it

neither of us do

the flurry of laundry

and last minute purchases

packing

and this time

a day later

we'll hurry and pack

headed out 

for a little family vacation

to celebrate a sixth birthday

busy times

tired times

good times...

peanut butter jelly

i don't know how it started
(i'm sure my husband remembers)
but somewhere along the way
our family began singing
that annoying song about
peanut butter and jelly

i don't know
if we sing the right words
but there's even mention
of a baseball bat
which totally cemented the deal
in our family

anyway
the song evolved and
peanut butter jelly time
now means one on one time
for handsome and little man

not to be outdone
and feeling a little left out
the girls of the family
(that would be me and baby girl)
came up with our own
ketchup and mustard time

so now there can be
peanut butter ketchup time
ketchup and jelly time
peanut butter mustard time
and so on

in the shower yesterday
after i was all prayed up
(what? you don't pray in the shower?)
i was solving the world's problems
(seriously, if I had waterproof paper
i could prove my genius
but it all leaves my brain
the moment my foot hits the tile)
i contemplated
the peanut butter jelly assignments
and they are remarkably accurate

handsome is the peanut butter
keeping our little family
all stuck together

little man is the jelly
sweetness that none of us
can resist

i'm the ketchup
it goes well
with just about anything

and baby girl is the mustard
a little tangy and sometimes spicy
but still very well-loved

just an interesting observation
from this quirky little brain of mine

now i've got to run
it's ketchup and jelly time...

jpg - christmas tree

trapping mice in the dark

the wind storm began
on sunday afternoon
and by evening
more than half of the city
was without power

and this is a big city

stores were closed
schools canceled
gas stations ran out of gas
trees blocked roads
power lines were down

hurricane ike
reared his ugly head
all the way up here
in ohio

i cannot even imagine
what's going on in texas

we went without power
for almost exactly
48 hours
a very long 48 hours

little man wanted
to watch a movie
and after explaining
that electricity
makes the tv work
he wanted to know why
the electricity was still broken
since the wind had stopped blowing

and then he went on
to ask for a movie
five or six or a hundred
more times

it's amazing how much
we rely on technology
in every day life anymore
the kids seemed like
boats set adrift
without tv
video games
and dvd players

opened my eyes for sure

we had some good family time
grilled the meat from the freezer
(we still lost most of it
and all of the frig stuff too)
and just enjoyed each other
by candlelight

and my saving grace
was my favorite game as a kid
baby girl and I rediscovered the game
mouse trap
in the waning daylight
of the first day
with no power

the contraption
as little man called it
was awesome
and hours were spent
trapping those mice

i never knew i'd have so much fun
trapping mice in the dark
but i sure did

common ground

I've been waiting patiently for the magic day when I would just feel better and back to normal. I would be able to jump back into the swing of things and ta-da! it would all be smooth sailing.

Not so much. That magic day has been elusive. I do feel stronger every day and I ditched the heavy pain medicine a couple of days ago. Still have pain, but would rather know what day of the week it is and that kind of thing, if you know what I mean. And the pain isn't all that bad, really, considering the scheme of things. Have I been vague enough for you?

If so, you'll enjoy this story. The kids started soccer practice this week. Little Man was practicing in the front yard with his dad, Handsome. With one well aimed shot (or not so well aimed, you decide), Handsome was out of the game for a while. He came slowly walking into the house with Little Man trailing after him. Little Man kept asking him why he was leaving the game, it wasn't over yet! Handsome kept saying that he just needed to sit down for a minute. Little Man was clueless. I figured it out just by looking at them and in order for the game to continue, I offered to just stand in the goal (because I'm sure not running these days). As I went out the door, I asked Handsome to rescue me as soon as possible. He said that I just didn't understand. I looked at him pointedly and reassured him that I was still recovering from a surgery that clearly made me understand - if not trump - his momentary handicap.

He acquiesced. (Wow. Big word for me. It really just came to mind like that. The meds must really be gone! I surprised myself!) We were amused by the irony of his injury. By the way, he's fine. Thanks for asking. :)

Anyway, the schedule got all messed up and I have Baby Girl here with me for a few days and we've been trying to get school supplies and the like. I can only handle being gone a few hours at a time so it's been hard to accomplish much. We did get her school supplies. We also were able to get her physical so she can run cross country. But that's a whole different story for another day...

Glad to be back among the blogging...I've missed it. And yes, I promise for the second or third time, the vacation post is coming, as is one on the book I've been reading...soon...

time moves on

driving to pick up little man at school
passed a grass cutting team
whiff of grass
the first of the season
spring is here

didn't realize how much i missed it
until it came back around again

the sun is shining today
it's still too cold to sit outside
but it's coming
it's coming!!

now if i can just get our neighbor
to stop mowing his grass
at naptime on fridays
or before nine on saturdays...

had to take care of some business
at a courthouse in the next town over
just filing paperwork
to deal with my uncle's death

my cousin went with me
thankfully
as it was a field trip for the boys
and they got bored right away

lots of questions
watching our bags go for a ride
down the conveyor belt
of a metal detector

the room was really a hallway
with may i help you windows
it was hot and unfriendly
with everyone's business out in the open

sixty-four dollars and fifty cents
to verify that yes, he's really gone
can i please handle the mess
that he's left behind?

but at least i wasn't the one
contesting a custody arrangement
demanding something be done
before school let out for the day

or the other guy
without the money to pay his hefty fine
i left before i heard
what would happen if he didn't pay

in these times of stress
i recognize
how truly blessed i am
even if it is hard

each obstacle
each challenge
a refinement
to bring glory to God

amen.

goodbye thoughts

I come here because I know that the only way for me to process this and wiggle my way out of the fog, is to write. I know someday I will want a trail to follow - a way to see how far I've come from where I am today. I guess that is truly the reason for this blog. To build history. For someone years from now to know the how and the why of the things I did. Even if the only someone is me.

There is a lot of suffering in the previous generation of my family. For a long time, I have relentlessly pursued the details - not wanting that suffering to be in vain. In the process, I have adopted that suffering and carry it with me. It recently dawned on me that I do not need to hold on to the suffering for it to be real or valid. It is my suffering, and it is not mine. Jesus Christ came and suffered so we do not have to. Will there still be suffering? Yes. But he has paid the price. The mercy and grace of God is ours because he suffered for us. That mercy and grace covers all the suffering on this side of Heaven. The hard part is letting it go - letting it be washed in the blood that was shed for me. I feel like I had to carry that past suffering for it to be redeemed, just as I have thought I need to carry my sins down this road of life in order to be redeemed. The a-ha moment for me yesterday is that both things are redeemed, not by my power, but by the power of Jesus Christ. Nothing, nothing I can do is stronger than that.

These thoughts have been triggered by the news that my father's brother has died. He died in mid-March. He didn't have a phone. He was eccentric. They could not find my contact information in his apartment - if they looked. They placed an ad in the paper looking for me, and I didn't see it. The deputy coroner waited a week, waiting...and when no one responded, they buried my uncle in the pauper's cemetary in an unmarked grave. Does the sadness of my family ever end? Do the feelings of failure ever end for me? I tried so hard to connect with this man, so like my father in so many ways, and he spoke of the delight of knowing each other, but he ran away from connections. Only on his terms would he be comfortable. Those terms were never clear, nor consistent. The last time I saw him, I knew it wouldn't be long. Down deep, I recognized the same patterns of conversation that so mimicked those last few precious conversations with my dad, almost 10 years ago. And like my father, he withdrew even more - more aware that the time was coming than he knew.

His heart stopped. And with that, the last full blood relation I have on that side of my family is gone. I'm sad. To not have more time. I'm mad. He didn't fight, knowing he could have prolonged his life. I'm relieved. The generation of suffering is at rest. I'm frustrated. There's a mess he left behind and I have to help fix it. I'm hurt. All the pain of my father's death has rushed back to the surface of my heart. I grieve for all these boys didn't have. For the time I didn't have with them. For the lack of depth that they found acceptable.

He loved to talk about his mom. Not many people had much respect for her. To me, she was the center of the suffering. The center of the mystery. I craved information about her. He knew that. I don't know if that's why he talked about her so much with me - or if he was wondering back to a time and place when someone loved him unconditionally. She wasn't capable of much, but I'm sure she loved her boys with all her heart. Call it a guess, but a mom's heart can go through quite a lot and that mom love is still very much intact. I don't think he ever felt that love again.

All I can do is see him in my mind's eye, the day before he had his surgery. It's been two and a half years from that time. I couldn't find him and out of the blue, there he was. Sick. In another hospital room. The same skin tone as my dad. It threw me for such a loop then. And now, all I can do is see him there, shaking his leg like I'm so accustomed to doing, scared to death. This little package of a man. I've only seen two men display fear in my whole life - and it's the two men who spent their entire lives building walls to conceal the fear. And in a matter of days, I was thrust to the center of their souls - and I saw the raw fear. Two men. Two different times. The tears came both times. For both of us. I reached deep both times to comfort a man I barely knew. I tried hard to bridge that gap of neglect and hurt, to reach into the heart of the matter, and bring peace. With my father, the first time, I didn't mention Jesus. I was afraid. But you better believe I did the second time. I would not let another one slip away. And I don't know where he stood at the end, when his time on earth was through, but I can tell you he knew that Jesus loved him and wanted to meet him right where he was. Oh, how I pray he reached out for Jesus.

Rest in peace, my uncle. No more fighting to survive. No more pain. No more loneliness. No more searching. It's over. You've run your race. You are whole in a way you've never been, just like Dad. And while I'll miss you both, and wonder what could have, should have, might have been, I know you both are far better off now than you've ever been. And someday soon, I will be happy about that.

long, long post

Has it really been 16 whole days since I posted? I keep meaning to but things keep coming up. And then with the holiday - well, it's been crazy around here. There is so much I want to tell you about...

CONFERENCE
Journey with me back a few weeks to my daughter's parent/teacher conference. I am always glad that my husband wants to go with me because I always forget everything they say. I also feel like it's some big test that I am taking and I'm sure I'll fail. Weird, I know. Anyway, we've been hearing about her lack of self-control for years now and we just keep working with her. At the conference this year, all we heard were positive things. They literally raved about her enthusiasm, her caring heart, and her effort. I was really happy to see everything finally clicking for her.

HEADACHE/HEARTACHE
On the subject of my daughter, I posted a few weeks ago about switching weekends and all the headaches that brings. I just wanted to add that after that weekend of her wanting to be here, we had her the next weekend. The following weekend (the one before Thanksgiving), she was supposed to go with her dad. He called and said he'd been invited to go hunting with his cousin and did he think she could just stay with us. Let me tell you that I was beyond livid. I could barely see straight. I couldn't even talk about it because the words just wouldn't come. And when the words won't come, I know the tears aren't far behind. And I refused to let him get me that worked up. So I thanked my lucky stars for the time with my daughter and moved on. I'll also add that I had her the following weekend for Thanksgiving which means I had her every weekend in November. Good for me but it really ticked me off that hunting came first. What else is new?

DINNER WITH A NEW FAMILY
Let me move right along before I get all fired up about it again...on to much happier subjects...Saturday before last, we went to dinner at my future sister-in-law's aunt's house. It was a "meet the families" event. All five of her aunts were there and her grandmother was there. It was a full house but they were really wonderful and made us feel welcome. We all had a great time. I can't wait until my brother-in-law gets married. What a great addition she is going to make to the family! :)

SURVEY SAYS
I registered with this consulting firm to test things. They pay me a bit of cash and I get to try new things. Cool stuff. The latest one is a home study. They gave me this air freshener thing and I put it in the house. For four weeks, I do a survey once a week. At the end, they'll pay me $30. Not a bad deal to me. And thank goodness, the air freshener actually smells really good. It's neat. It is a small plastic jar with little beads in it. They look like small bath beads. As the time has gone by, the beads are beginning to dissolve. I highly recommend this product if it comes on the market. I think they are going to call the scent "clean breeze". Good stuff!

DO YOU SMELL THAT?
On the Thursday before Thanksgiving, at 5 in the morning, my husband woke up and wandered downstairs. I couldn't figure out what he was doing. He said he smelled gas (no, not mine!). I didn't smell it. Then, the heat kicked on and I definitely smelled it. We called the gas & electric company and thankfully, they showed up in 45 minutes. It was not gas. It was carbon monoxide. Thank the Lord that my husband smelled it. Carbon monoxide is odorless. The heat exchanger in our furnace was cracked in three places. The way I understand it (and I could really be wrong), there was enough natural gas escaping from the cracks that when the heat kicked on, it took the natural gas and the carbon monoxide and sent it through the vents. That's why we smelled it upstairs. Please, if you don't have a carbon monoxide detector in your home, GET ONE! They are a little expensive but you may be able to get a free one from your local fire department. We ended up getting a new furnace (thankfully, we have a home warranty that covered the majority of it) but we spent one very cold weekend. The temperatures were mild but we definitely missed the heat. I was very thankful for making it to Thanksgiving and for the heat that we had on that day. And I was very aware of how God was watching over us in a lot of ways.

THANKSGIVING
I was glad we got our new furnace in time to have everyone here for Thanksgiving. We had 9 people, including our kids. We had turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy, green bean casserole, Bob Evans rolls, cranberry sauce, this cranberry jello thing that's awesome, and other things I'm sure I'm forgetting. Then there was pie. And then six hours later, we did it again! Good, good food. Spending time with everyone was wonderful too. The next day, we left to go to my husband's grandmother's house about 6 hours from here. We spent the weekend. It was good to see her and the rest of the family. And turkey dinner again! Yummy! Unfortunately, I came down with a cold on Saturday (that I'm still fighting) and felt pretty crummy. At least the worst of it is over now. I just hope no one else gets it. My fingers are crossed!

AND THEN THERE WAS MY SICK CAR
On the way home from my mother-in-law's house on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, my car overheated. Now, I know there are things that need to be done to my car. I've kind of put them off because of the two houses (oh yes, we still have two houses...). Well, with it overheating, I had no choice but to take it in. After looking it over, they wanted to do lots of stuff for, well, lots of money. I did what I needed to get it on the road again, but let me tell you, it wasn't cheap. When it rains, it pours! I am very thankful though that I don't have a monthly car payment for my car. And I am thankful that it is reliable. Just please, no more big repairs like that again soon! (Who am I kidding? I still need to get 2 or 3 things done from this go round...) Oh, well, that's life...

SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST
You know that two house problem I mentioned earlier...Well, yesterday, I got a call from my daughter's friend's mom. Her co-worker had a fire at their house on Saturday. They need a place to stay for the next 3-5 months while their house is repaired. Would we be interested in renting our old house to them? Uh, YES! Of course it isn't a permanent fix and it may not even happen, but it would be such a blessing to us. Especially with Christmas right around the corner. My husband met with the co-worker's husband tonight. He was so gracious and kind. They have 4 kids and just want a place to be in time for Christmas. He's supposed to be talking to his wife tonight and they'll call tomorrow. Pray, people, pray! Oh, and if they do move in...the insurance company is furnishing it with all matching, nice furniture. We would be able to still have showings on the house and it would look all pretty. What luck! I'm trying not to get my hopes up because well, that's just where I am with the house right now. But it would be so nice... I'll let you know what happens.

So, as you can see, I've been so busy. Some days I don't know if I am coming or going. But I enjoy being busy and life actually goes smoother for me then. I've missed my bloggity friends though. I am almost caught up on my readings. I've been lurking at lots of blogs for a while now. Maybe I'll even delurk *gasp* and comment for the first time in ages...

Thanks for reading my marathon length post. :)

sweet souls

Another post for my sidebar...I'll update as is needed.

I've wanted to have a memorial place to always remember those kind souls that have gone to be with Jesus. I'm a list kinda girl and I want to honor these people with a list. I look forward to the big ole party in Heaven someday.

Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the time you gave us with these special people. We know that they are with you and that they want no more. Still, we miss them. We carry them in our hearts every day.
Amen.

Sweet souls I hope to see in heaven:

Peggy K. (1992)
Arthur L. (1998)
Shannon N. (2001)
Grova V. (2005)
Alma S. (2006)
Amy W. (2007)
Eddie L. (2008)

this is my life

so i haven't posted
in a few days
for a couple of different reasons

first
i went out of town
with my mother-in-law
to take my husband's grandma
back to her home
from visiting here

it was a little tiring
but fun to be with
the matriarchs of the family
and i liked the down time
that not having kids around
brings

and then when we got back
from our overnight trip
i had the hardest time
easing back into things
one night shouldn't do that
but it sure did

and then
i was ready to post
and found out that my friend's dad
had a stroke and
is in the icu in critical condition
so i wanted to write
about that and ask for prayer
but i just did that on my last post
and i don't want to be a total
downer every time i write

but
i decided
this is my life
and that's what i write about
what is happening
in my life

so i am asking you to
please pray
for this man
who was in the landscape
of my childhood
in more memories
than i thought

i'm so shocked
about this
and i'm sure my friend is too
she and her mom are very strong
but that doesn't stop
the need for prayers

lots of them

thanks

reasons to celebrate

so much time goes by
the same old stuff
yet all new somehow
but these are events
i cannot let pass by
without comment

the lion is three
and the tiger five
both birthdays
one day apart

it's as if the birthday
suddenly allowed
fully understandable
sentences to flow out
one after another
coherently
now if only the birthday
could bring about
big boy underwear
that aren't wet or worse
my next step is
diapers on strike!

And then my big little bro
surprised us all
but mostly her
with the big question
by the way
squeaks and giggles
mean yes...
the ring is so pretty
but her glow is even prettier : )

and i guess i'll admit
as a people fan
that i was happy to hear
rosie is coming back
to daytime television
on the view
her thoughts and lifestyle
may be controversial but
they inspire me to contemplate
and i love the insight
she gives to the "rich and famous"

so this week i prepare
for a cooking show
lots of people coming
funny that i am cooking for them
who would have guessed?

still no nibbles on the other house
once the police pulled us over
and the lion being young
was intrigued by the car
"po-wece mommy"
yes, police
after a minute or two
"we wait?"
yes, we wait
so, no sold sign yet
still, we wait

surprise!

why don't i post more often?
with this circus that runs around
and around me
coming or going
not quite sure

is the circus around and around
me
or is it all in my head?

spent the weekend
making our home
clean and orderly
somehow it clears the fog
that has become a constant

at the school conference
a few weeks ago
my own behaviors
transposed to an unknowing
little woman-child
hard not to feel attacked
and don't you think
it's almost cruel to try to fix
something in someone else
that has been so
deeply rooted in yourself
and what is that something?
i plead ignorance
and pretend the behaviors
don't exist in me

took an elevator
up high in the sky
and then climbed
lots of metal steps-
the kind that thump
with every step-
to look out on the world
my camera clicker
took almost all 24 pictures
of the disposable camera
and the sports fan marveled
at the baseball AND football
all at once
i wondered at how the cars looked
just like the ones at home
on the family rooom rug
lined up in a row
the wind blew hard and
it was "too bright" as the
nice old man took our picture
there - up above the world
how orderly it seems from afar

more and more for sale signs
less and less sold signs
we still wait

who would have guessed
a hometown boy could capture
a nation with his dancing
you should see the 2 year old
version
run, kick, run back, hop
run halfway and pose
hilarious

oh and my big little brother
got another whole year older
recently
strange to remember his little
boy face and round glasses
funny the way life twists and turns
funny the things you remember

singing in front of these people
easily three times my age
felt a little sad
that this is entertainment
the cd skipped
i kept singing
and still they were so grateful
wonderful to see both old
and young
light up with interest at the
sight of each other

spent a few days
at my old post
strange how daily routines
change and are forgotten
and how people change
or don't change
it's the small things that add up
and become monumental

read book nine - the final one
in my second favorite series
could it really be over?
you know a book is good
when you start thinking
of the characters as people
you have known
sometime in your life
she's that good
jan karon
check it out

the tiger is waddling like a penguin
the lion is waddling like a penguin
(to imitate the tiger, of course)
but the lion is adding his own twist
and wagging his tongue like a dog
what a wonderful life it is
oh and the monkey is awful sleepy today
must be monday

some things never change...

tennis match

hosital visit today
and an empty open house

the stress pounded on my head
like the beat of a drum
from a song my son would love

funny how the drum plays
through to the jiggle of my leg
my mother-in-law noticed today

he looked so small
lying in the hospital bed
resignation and frustration
played a tennis match on his face
back and forth
his expression changed

and the constant is always pain

i feel helpless
what can i do?
just keep visiting, he says
what a lonely place that is

all my chickies back under one roof
a feeling of peace
worry for the one leaving tomorrow
the days stretch on when we aren't together

thankful for family
and time spent with them today
no fog
just fatigue
no rest for the weary

restore me, O God
"renew a right spirit within me"
guide me
use me
calm me

past vs. present

time spent with my little carson palmer
and my kimono wearing prima donna

exhausted but the fog is gone
noise from the yapper and the singer
have chased it away

should be visiting at the hospital
tending to a double ear infection
and halloween costumes instead

the pull between my past and my present
continues

i thought the time was gone
to have to justify the paternal side of my family
but it continues

explaining is difficult
innate, gut feelings
sadness and gladness
mad and happy

what will the outcome be?

put up a fight
even in my absence
push through the induced fog

physically heal
and maybe both of us will find
the emotional puzzle piece
that's missing

connections

the blur of generations
created by the divine power
confuses me

suffering causes such grief
to watch is difficult
empathy is impossible

the relationship too shallow
smiles are hard to find
i can't read your eyes

her personality is too big
keeping me inside
i long to convey my thoughts

you heard me
i saw it in your raised brow
talk to me again
voice of the past