ten

i usually try to write
on my daughter's bday
but didn't get to it
this year

instead
i got to go to lunch
with her
first time in many years
that i got to see her on
her actual bday
people always ask
how can i do that?
doesn't it make me sad
or mad not to see her
on her bday?
i always want to say
what choice do i have?
fight and ruin her bday
or let it go and save it
for a fight worth winning?
of course, it kills me
when i can't see her - anytime
but especially her bday
after all, i still recall
the pain and fog and joy
of her first breath

wow, ten years, already

but i always say
it's okay
ever the peace maker, me
always relenting

anyway
the great news is
that i got to see her
and we went to the mall
(her choice, of course)
and she made a hello kitty
build-a-bear
with the brahms lullaby sound
in the hand
and a two piece swimsuit
with a tote bag
holding a towel, magazine,
and sunscreen lotion

she had a blast
(she always does when
she is spending money)
and the boys were very good
reading their books
and watching people

the time flew by too quickly
but i promised myself
i wouldn't be sad when i
dropped her off
even if it took loud music
on the radio

i try to look at the good stuff
and ignore the bad stuff
but it isn't always easy...

she went away for the weekend
to celebrate other bdays too
but i'll see her again tomorrow
as we celebrate her bday
with all the family
on this side of her life

i pray that she will one day
be completely whole
i think she has just enough spunk
to close the gap
between her two lives...

at least, that's what i pray...

happy birthday, pumpkin butt
i can't believe my baby girl
is now a double digit...